Your favorite cousin has moved to your town and is looking for a job. Her previous experiences are

Question

working as a cashier and sales clerk at two department stores. You know she plans to apply at similar
stores in your town. But you also know she is a perfect match for a job opening as a reliable assistant
to your boss. You know she has the skills, though she doesn’t think she is as capable as she is, and
you’re sure she’d be good at this job.
Your goal is to persuade your cousin to apply for the job. You e-mail her a paragraph explaining the
specifics of the job and the reasons she should apply. You want to convince her that she has the job
skills required. You’ll use an informal tone, of course, but will take care to use correct business writing
to show her that you take your recommendation seriously.
Process
1. Using your imagination, create the kind of skills the job as boss’s assistant requires. Make up
names for your boss and the company, as well as any facts that might help you prove your case
to your cousin. Freewrite about the skills you’ve seen her show in other settings and about how
you can convince her to use those abilities in this position. In addition, consider personality traits
that show she would work well with your boss. Also make up details and figures about how this
job will benefit your cousin personally and professionally.
2. Circle the information your cousin most needs to hear to be persuaded to apply for this job. You
won’t be able to use everything you made up. Organize the details and explanation using an order of importance pattern.

Have I done this correctly?

Hello Jane,
I am absolutely thrilled to hear that you are looking for a permanent employment position here.in Dawson Creek. I hear that you are looking for another sales clerk position. Would you consider a change of job? My boss Mrs. O’Brien here at Maryfield’s Boutique is seeking an assistant. The position would require you to answer the phone, set up meetings with suppliers, filing, make travel arrangements, among other things. With your outstanding communication skills and your organizational ability I think you would be perfect for the job. The numerous Employee of the Month awards that you told me about show that you are very dependable and dedicated to your work. There are lots of opportunities to advance here at Maryfield’s. You can get into management, buying or even the decorating and layout areas if that is what you would like to do. I hope you apply for this position as I am positive that you would be an asset to the team and Mrs. O’Brien. Hope to hear from you in the near future.

Answer 1

Hello Jane,
I am absolutely thrilled to hear that you are looking for a permanent job here in Dawson Creek. I hear that you are looking for another sales clerk position, but would you consider a change? My boss, Mrs. O’Brien here at Maryfield’s Boutique, is seeking an assistant. The position would require you to answer the phone, set up meetings with suppliers, file, and make travel arrangements, among other things. With your outstanding communication skills and your organizational abilities, I think you would be perfect for the job. Your numerous Employee-of-the-Month awards that you told me about show that you are very dependable and dedicated to your work. There are lots of opportunities to advance here at Maryfield’s. You can get into management, purchasing, or even the decorating and layout areas if any of those are areas you would like to move into. I hope you apply for this position. I am positive that you would be an asset to Mrs. O’Brien and her team. Hope to hear from you in the near future.