Question

I had to rewrite this paragraph. Did I do it correctly?

Excuse me. Whispered five-year-old Claire could I have some chocolate milk? Claire our neighbor was normally very shy; but she recently began shewing more bravery. When Claire began, coming to our house in the mourning before school she hardly spoke at all. Claire joined 4 young boys at the breakfast table each weekday morning so Claire mom a chief operating officer could get at to work on time. After I got Claire her chocolate milk she boldly exclaimed thank you for the milk these boys are so weird!
<b> "Excuse me," whispered five-year-old Claire," could I have some chocolate milk?" </b> Claire<b>,</b> our neighbor <b>, </b> was normally very shy<b> , </b> but she recently began <b>showing </b> more bravery. When Claire began (no comma) coming to our house in the <b> morning </b> before school <b> , </b> she hardly spoke at all. Claire joined 4 young boys at the breakfast table each weekday morning so <b> Claire's </b> mom <b> , </b> a chief operating officer <b> , </b>could get to work on time. After I got Claire her chocolate milk <b> , </b> she boldly exclaimed <b> ," Thank you for the milk. These boys are so weird!" </b>

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