2. The structure is missing: intro/thesis, supporting paragraphs (aim for three), you only did one. The conclusion was a stretch: one example to a broad generalization.
Did you make an outline before you wrote? I realize this is a rough draft, but the first sentence is very awkward, I suspect you were writing it and thinking about what next. Jot down an outline first. Of your half hour, the first 4-5 min ought to be spend organizing your thoughts.
Should people change their decisions when circumstances change, or is it best for them to stick with their original decisions?
Environments, including the people around us, the values of society and the opinions of the majority, always exert influence on our decision. Some people argue that we can achieve our goals and succeed only if we change our decision to adapt to the circumstances. As far as I am concerned, people should always stick to their original will and decisions to gain what they really desire and ignore the obstacles brought by the changes of environments.
Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, demonstrated that only if we insist on our original thoughts can we be successful. When Steve Jobs was 20, he found that he was extremely interested in computer and started Apple which grew in to a 2 billion dollars company in ten years. However, he was fired when he was 30. He changed from a great entrepreneur in to an unemployed man who lost his own company. The whole world paid attention to him and regarded him as a public failure. He has no idea what to do and once thought of leaving the valley and abandoning his career and the work he loved. But, finally, he found that he still loved his job and was determined to continue his work of computer. He started a new company which created the world¡¯s first animated figure film and is the best animation studio in the world today. Eventually, he managed to return to Apple to go on with his favorite job after Apple bought his new company. It was his perseverance in his original decision of his job and career that enabled him to overcome such great difficulty in his life. Had he given up his work after he was dismissed, he would not be able to do what his loved and would not achieve greatness as he does now.
The example above indicates that we should hold fast to our original decisions regardless of the changes of environments in order to reach our goals and obtain what we really want. We must make our decisions based on our own will and interest rather than the circumstances and stick to them to choose our own lives.
please score my essay and give me some advice. Thanks so much!!!
6 answers
is it neccessary to write more than 1 example?
No. If you have a really good example, one can do it. However, it is better to aim for more. I personally like two or three, however, if all your examples are stong, you probably weaken your points by citing more. In this case, you had one example, and frankly, I didn't think you made the case that Jobs was a strong enough case to make your generalization.
I will try to get other opinions here for you, so check back later.
I will try to get other opinions here for you, so check back later.
I agree with Bob. A 2 is the highest score I'd give this.
The structure of the paper is not apparent. You need to clearly have 4-5 paragraphs, including an introduction and a conclusion. Your thesis statement belongs at the end of the intro. The paragraphs in the body of the paper need to include examples (1 is OK, 2 would be better) that support/explain the thesis statement.
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/11/09/how-your-sat-essay-is-scored/
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/12/04/sat-essay-rubric/
http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/06/21/5-tips-on-how-to-write-a-strong-thesis-statement/
The structure of the paper is not apparent. You need to clearly have 4-5 paragraphs, including an introduction and a conclusion. Your thesis statement belongs at the end of the intro. The paragraphs in the body of the paper need to include examples (1 is OK, 2 would be better) that support/explain the thesis statement.
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/11/09/how-your-sat-essay-is-scored/
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/12/04/sat-essay-rubric/
http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/06/21/5-tips-on-how-to-write-a-strong-thesis-statement/
PS -- If you are unfamiliar with the practice of PLANNING a paper before you start writing, let me know. I taught my students how to plan and write an essay in 45, 35, and 25 minutes. Planning (brainstorming and outlining) was not an optional thing to do!! If you have no plan (outline), your paper will end up all over the place.
do you mean that my example can't support my thesis?
1 answer