In first paragraph... often would be better subsituted for many a times. You need a comma to separate a compound sentence.
Third paragraph it is 2004. Consisting of.....all stars, should be in commas.
Another reason this Basketball team did so well was that they worked as a team. They didn't let their egos get in the way. That would be appropriate to mention.
I would rank probably a 4.
All in all this is a good essay. You have given solid support to your thesis.
Question: Is failure a part of the path to success?
Failure isn't a consequence that is looked forward to by many. As dreaded as it may be, failure can many=a=times bring out the best in people and drive them to success. I firmly believe that failure is an intrinsic part of the path to success and this can be seen through the Olympic experiences of Michael Phelps and the USA Men's Basketball team.
Michael Phelps entered the 2004 Athens Olympics with a record setting schedule. He intended to break Mark Spitz's record of seven gold medals in a single Olympics. Knocking the events down one by one, Phelps was on his way, but came short with six gold, one silver and one bronze. Though the first attempt results in failure, Phelps returned to the Beijing Olympic in 2008 with a mission to win. Enduring the same schedule he had in Athens, Phelps salvaged eight gold medals. Recovering from his initial failure, he proceeded forward with an even stronger motivation to achieve his goal.
The USA basketball team endures an experience similar to Phelps'. At the 20045 Olympics games in Athens, the "Dream Team" consisting of numerous NBA all-stars represented the US. Without practice and preparation, they ended up losing to Argentina and winning the bronze medal. in 2008, the "Redeem Team" took the center stage to make up for the loss four years earlier. They practiced, played hard and cruised their way though to the gold. Learning from their previous failure was an intrinsic part of the success to the long run.
I don't intend on attending the Olympics, but this principle will come into play in my own life and career. Mistakes are an intrinsic part of life, and learning from them is perhaps the greatest victory of all.
5 answers
There are enough grammatical and structural errors to give this a 4?
Thank you (btw).
I agree with GuruBlue's score and reasoning.
Keep in mind, Sahil, that if whoever reads your paper has to re-read any part of your paper because of missed commas, weird wording, incomplete punctuation, etc., then the score will go down. If the reader can read straight through without "stumbling" over anything, then the score will go up.
The conclusion on this paper is not as developed as in your last essay. That, too, weakens the paper. The organization and development of the ideas are fine except for that conclusion.
Keep in mind, Sahil, that if whoever reads your paper has to re-read any part of your paper because of missed commas, weird wording, incomplete punctuation, etc., then the score will go down. If the reader can read straight through without "stumbling" over anything, then the score will go up.
The conclusion on this paper is not as developed as in your last essay. That, too, weakens the paper. The organization and development of the ideas are fine except for that conclusion.
Thank you!
4 answers