not a question, just want you to check my revision of a draft with an action lead in. this is just the revision of the beginning, i may post more revisions of my draft for the middle and end, and will probably ask questions in the answer section.

Question

Revision For Beginning
Opening and closing my eyes for a few times and blinking faster. Then immediately lifting my head from the brown couch to turn it to the side and lifting up my body looking for the cable in my living room or a device that tells time. Checks the time and cries inside and telling my self not to panic that I woke up at 4 A.M. Thoughts like, oh don't worry the homework you have aren't really hard and you don't have that much homework, then that thought got ran over by another thought, what the heck, are you kidding me ? You have Social Studies, Science, and Math that are all hard. You think that you can finish those in an hour? Turned on the lights, rushed to my binder while having the thoughts of my assignment. Then, an hour passed by.

is this too long ?
any suggestions or errors that i need to fix ? please tell me by answering my question. tank you very much tutors.

Answer 1

oh shoooot i mean english, wow i already made a mistake

Answer 2

#1 -- It would help to know what your assignment is ... exactly.

#2 -- Work on the middle before you work on the beginning. How can you introduce something you haven't written yet?

#3 -- Nearly everything in that passage is a fragment, not a complete sentence.

But don't bother working on this anymore until you have the rest of it written.

Answer 3

#1 my assignment is to revise my entire personal narrative (beginning, middle and end) of my rough draft that i forgot to include and is on another question (sorry about that)

#2 i have to revise my rough draft that i already written

#3 can you give me more information on fragments and complete sentences ? didn't think about complete sentences and how should i complete them ?

tank you very much tutor writeacher

Answer 4

Read and study about Sentences here. Read about Fragments, too, and how to fix or avoid them.
http://www.chompchomp.com/terms.htm

Make sure you revise and rewrite your paragraphs more than once before posting them again. Ask someone to read your paragraphs aloud to you so you will hear the errors to be corrected.

Post only one paragraph at a time after at least two more revisions.

Answer 5

i think i fixed my revision with all those sentence fragments.

I open and close my eyes for a few times and blink faster. I then immediately lift my head from the brown couch to turn it to the side and lift my body to look for the cable in my living room or a device that tells time. I check the time to find myself crying inside and telling myself not to panic that I woke up at 4 A.M.
Thinking that I don't need to worry about the homework, that they aren't really hard and I don't have that much, then that thought gets ran over by another thought, you think that you can finish Social Studies, Science, and Math in an hour that are all hard? Quickly, I turned on the light, rushed to my binder while having the thoughts of my assignments. Then, an hour passed by.

Answer 6

im sorry writeacher ! the paragraph above was posted before you posted that, i didn't rewrite, revise it, or have someone read it aloud.
tank you very much for the link tutor writeacher and giving me advice! i will post more paragraphs !