I need help editing a college admission writing supplement

Connecticut College is definitely my first choice, as I believe that its exemplary academic and career opportunities will not only help me develop as a student, but also as a future professional. The college you choose has a great impact on the rest of your life, and so which one you choose to attend is vital. I believe that the available majors provided will give me multiple opportunities to academically excel in my intended field, as will the career advising programs and five interdisciplinary centers. I hope to take full advantage of academic opportunities, such as graduating with a certificate from the Holleran Center for Community Action and Public Policy. Furthermore, Connecticut College offers the opportunity to quality education in earning state certification in secondary education, as well as allowing for it being combined with Creative Writing English, since I hope to be an English teacher in the future. The supreme accreditation of the teacher certification programs along with the stressed annunciation on the importance of field work through student teaching has led me to acquire an even furtherly yielding desire to attend. I believe that I would be an excellent attribute to its community, and that it would be beneficial to me also. I thrive in the presence of challenging opportunities to grow, and so I believe that the rigorous and competitive teacher preparation courses would be a perfect match for me. In turn, I will thrive in on a campus while also becoming actively involved in campus life.

2 answers

Connecticut College is definitely my first choice, as I believe that its exemplary academic and career opportunities will not only help me develop as a student, but also as a future professional. ... "as a future professional" what? There is no career simply called "professional" -- what career are you aiming for?

The college you choose has a great impact on the rest of your life, and so which one you choose to attend is vital.
Get rid of all "you" and "your" intances; you'll need to rephrase.

I believe that the available majors provided will give me multiple opportunities to academically excel in my intended field, as will the career advising programs and five interdisciplinary centers. Are you supposed to be this vague? Or do you actually have a career direction in which you're heading?

I hope <~~you only HOPE to do these things??? to take full advantage of academic opportunities, such as graduating with a certificate from the Holleran Center for Community Action and Public Policy. Furthermore, Connecticut College offers the opportunity to quality education in earning state certification in secondary education, as well as allowing for it being combined with Creative Writing English, since I hope to be an English teacher in the future. The supreme accreditation of the teacher certification programs along with the stressed annunciation on the importance of field work through student teaching has led me to acquire an even furtherly yielding desire to attend. I believe that I would be an excellent attribute to its community, and that it would be beneficial to me also. I thrive in the presence of challenging opportunities to grow, and so I believe that the rigorous and competitive teacher preparation courses would be a perfect match for me. In turn, I will thrive in on a campus while also becoming actively involved in campus life.

Very odd wording here; you'll need to rephrase:

the opportunity to quality education

allowing for it being combined

The supreme accreditation of the teacher certification programs along with the stressed annunciation on the importance of field work through student teaching has led me to acquire an even furtherly yielding desire to attend.
HOLY SMOKE! What does this even mean??


PLUS ... if you are really after a secondary teaching credential, why are you taking a sideways trip into the field of "a certificate from the Holleran Center for Community Action and Public Policy"??
(The Holleran Center for Community Action and Public Policy offers student teaching internships and other career preparing programs)

Connecticut College is easily my prime choice, as I believe that its exemplary academic and career opportunities will not only help me advance as a student, but also as a future professional English teacher. The college one chooses has a preeminent impact on the rest of their life, and so I have given careful thought to why Connecticut College would be a particularly perfect match for me. I believe that the available majors will accord me multiple opportunities to academically excel in my intended field, as Connecticut College offers the opportunity for quality education through earning state certification in secondary education, along with Creative Writing English. This, clearly, is a perfect match for me. Further still, the supreme accreditation of teacher certification programs along with their stressed importance of field work through student teaching has led me to acquire an even furtherly yielding desire to attend. I anticipate on taking full advantage of academic opportunities, such as enrolling in the Holleran Center for Community Action and Public Policy, as to develop my academic skills and teaching experience. Furthermore, I believe that I would be an excellent attribute to its community, and that it would be beneficial to me also. I thrive in the presence of challenging opportunities to grow, and so I believe that the rigorous and competitive teacher preparation courses would be a perfect match for me. In turn, I am fully confident that I will thrive in on a campus while also becoming actively involved in campus life.