I am required to write 2 different paragraphs for a Penn Foster Assignment.

Question

In paragraph 1 I am to bring a polished paragraph on what inspired me to choose my career and why. The second paragraph is about an e-mail to my cousin about a job opening she usually would not consider. Please critique my work.

Paragraph 1

I am interested in the assistant medical billing and coding specialist’s position at the Andrew Young Health Center because, I enjoyed helping behind the scenes in the medical profession. The job requirements included research, coding the medical diagnoses, and filing all charts appropriately. When I discussed the job with Wendy Cross, the human resources manager, the requirements reminded me of my experience as an intern at the Crisis Pregnancy Center. The internship was for a degree in psychology. I expected to shadow a crisis counselor. Instead, the experience at the Crisis Pregnancy Center included data entry, basic coding, and filing. I entered patient information, diagnosis codes, and prepared the codes for billing. The experience opened my eyes to a profession that I never knew existed. I realized that the coding was very important to the Crisis Pregnancy Center because, they were understaffed and underfunded. My assistance during that year gave the program the opportunity to help more women in crisis. Because of my experience, I learned how I could make a difference in the medical field. I wanted to have that experience again at the Andrew Young Health Center.


Paragraph 2

Dear Cousin Linda, your professional personality, and skills are perfect for the executive assistant position available here at Andrew Young Medical Center. Dr. Andrew Young, the head physician at the center, expects the executive assistant to work from 8am to 5pm. The job requirements are for an energetic assistant, who has computer skills, multi tasking abilities, and professionalism. The assistant will also be required to run the office, keep up with all appointments, and maintain a proficient atmosphere. Dr. Young needs your skills because you are capable of managing this office. Linda, I know your abilities include: opening a store, running a computer, keeping several schedules, answering a multi-line phone, and smiling while you multi task. You can maintain order during any emergency. You are capable of anticipating your employer’s requirements. However, your greatest asset is your ability to concentrate completely on the task, while communicating with others in a professional manor. Your personality and aptitude fit together perfectly with Dr. Young’s requirements and unspoken needs. Please apply for the executive assistant’s position.

Answer 1

These are excellent.

However, in the second paragraph, "maintain a proficient atmosphere," "professional" is a better word.