Here is my thesis statement... arugment paper on should women be drafted? How is it?

Question

For years women have pused for equal rights. They have acheived these goals and recived the right to vote. Historically, along with the right to vote comes the duty to serve. Women should be drefted on the account of equal treatment, need for nurses, and communicational workers.

Answer 1

1. It's too long.
Generally, a thesis statement is ONE statement -- ONE sentence.

2. It's too unfocused. Cut out the extraneous stuff, and rewrite.

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/thesistatement.html

http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/06/21/5-tips-on-how-to-write-a-strong-thesis-statement/