Formal Writing Essay Prompt: Take a position that defends or challenges the claim that the recent profusion of surveillance technologies/ techniques constitutes a threat to civil liberty.
(Here is my Introduction)
I have to eliminate any linking verbs if possible.
CAN SOMEONE HELP/ OR SUGGEST WAYS IN WHICH I CAN MAKE THE SENTENCE SOUND MATURE AND IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. MUCH APPRECIATED!
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(SCENARIO) 1. In the workplace, a new security system has been installed. (installs in the system).
---How can I eliminate the linking verbs "has been" and the past tense word "installed". Is whats in parenthesis OK? Can I replace "has been installed" with "installs in the system."
2.Workers begin to feel jittery and watched by the cameras that have been placed above their heads.
3. Surveillance is a controversial subject that some citizens believe their liberty is being threatened and some believe surveillance technologies will improve daily lives. (DELETE THIS SENTENCE)
3. Surveillance in society threatens civil liberties of the public, which mirrors Orwell’s fears. New abundance of supervision technologies composes a threat to freedom.
4.Civilization is being attacked by a surveillance community which invades people’s privacy and evokes fear in the people.
--How can I eliminate the LINKING VERB (is) to make the sentence smooth?--
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(Below are listed numbers representing the sentence # and my teachers suggestions on how I can change each sentence if need be. I put DONE in () to show that I fixed the suggestion.
1--stay in present tense (DONE)
2--”head” should be plural, as you are talking about workers and use the plural “their” (DONE)
3--These two sentences say the same thing. Keep one of them with the Orwell reference and delete the other.
4--Idiom error. Should say “causes fear in” or “evokes fear in”
5 answers
No linking: The attack by a surveillance community on civilization and fundamental privacy righte evokes fear...
Ex 1) (Your example, Thankyou for that) :
The attack by a surveillance community on civilization and fundamental privacy righte evokes fear in people.
OR
Ex 2) A surveillance community attacks civilization; consequently, it invades people's privacy and evokes fear in people.
^ Did I use my semi-colon & comma right. Do I also need a comma before "and" or no?
1 answer