Can someone please tell me whats wrong with this sentence, and what can be added to make it a strong objective

Question

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To achieve academic superiority in a competitive environment while building a great base of community service work for aiding those around me, and achieve great experience in the work field of pharmacy to become a pharmacist.

Answer 1

First, that is not a sentence... it a bunch of strung together clauses and phrases. I am assuming that you want to become a pharmacist. Second, you believe that to do that you need to 1) achieve academic superiority, 2) learn through community service and 3) gain work experience in pharmacology.

I would put that together something like - In order to reach my goal of becoming a pharmacologist, I need to achieve academic superiority, learn through community service and gain work experience in pharmacology.

That gets to the point and cuts though all the unneeded words.