Ask a New Question
Menu

Can someone help me figure out a sentence from my conclusion CONNECTING BACK TO THE INTRO?? Or what can I say to connect back to my intro??

Thankyou to anyone who helps! (:

My Intro:
In the workplace, a new security installment begins in the workplace. Workers begin to feel anxious and watched by the placement of cameras above their heads. New abundance of supervision technologies composes a threat to freedom, mirroring Orwell’s fears. A surveillance community attacks civilization; consequently, the invasion of people’s fundamental privacy evokes fear in the community.

My Conclusion:
Surveillance society strikes a fear to civil liberties. The establishment of supervision technologies imposing on humanity creates a fear factor, threatens privacy, and minimizes freedom. A monitoring de-vice affects communities and people’s lives in general. While the creation of an espionage-like culture begins and increases, concern, uneasiness, and anxiety remains. An observation system not only conflicts with civilization, but it profoundly impacts human daily activities.

6 answers

I think it does seem to connect to your introduction. Clean up your grammar and syntax a little. For example, there is no hyphen in "device". And a fear TO civil liberties? That doesn't make sense. And how does anxiety have any remains? I THINK you mean that such anxieties and concerns remain, but you've already said they begin and increase, nothing about the aftermath in which they would remain. ????
Everything is awesome an spot on! Great job! Your writing skills are spectacular!One thing, you mentioned freedom in your intro...I would say something about how this surveillance effects it. The word "freedom" is a key word, it would be good to add it to your Conclusion...Hope you undertsand!
Excellent job!
Oops I realy didn't mean to put that hyphen but thanks for the point out! Thankyou both for your feedback (:
Also is it surveillance (effects) or Affect? Always got those confused??
Is this OK? ... I just included affecting freedom of the individuals towards the bottom..

An observation system not only conflicts with civilization, but it profoundly impacts human daily activities affecting freedom of the individuals.
Yes, it's fine.