Check all sentences for introductory clauses and phrases; if there is one, there needs to be a comma after it before the main clause begins.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
See #3.
In this -- "I'm sure that if the wheel did not stop turning that the carriage would never have stopped..." -- you have a problem with sequence of tenses, in addition to an unnecessary repetition of "that."
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/sequence.htm
In the fourth paragraph (?), you have Gaspard's name twice in immediate succession; better would be to change the second one to "who" and make any other wording changes you need to connect the sentences.
And again, you are mixing past and present tenses -- choose one and be consistent.
Let us know how you revise these if you want more feedback.
=)
Boy Killed By Carriage
A young boy was killed last night when he was run over in the street by a carriage. The driver was told to drive fast and recklessly through the narrow streets by the carriage’s passenger, Marquis Evremonde. The driver revealed to reporters that watching the common people dodge the speeding carriage humored Evremonde.
After hitting the boy the carriage came to a halt.
“I’m sure that if the wheel did not stop turning that the carriage would never have stopped to see what happened,” an onlooker explained, “You could read the passenger’s face and tell that he did not care.”
The father of the boy was Gaspard. Gaspard was at the scene and watched as his child was killed. Witnesses say Gaspard was devastated, yet the passenger acted as if the incident was no big deal.
“He gave Gaspard a gold coin as if he had broken an everyday item and was paying for the damage!” another observer exclaimed, “The passenger was more concerned about his horses than the child and mocked the grieving father.”
Gaspard urges parents to avoid taking children near the streets unless necessary due to the comment made by the passenger before departure, “I would ride over any of you very willingly, and exterminate you from the earth.”
(Continued from my previous post)
1 answer
1 answer