Some suggestions:
Either spell out "Dr." in lower case or use "physician." Put that whole phrase at the beginning of the sentence. The "it" in that sentence has an unclear referent, so it might be better to use the noun "it" is referring to.
Since a new paragraph indicates a change in time, place, person or idea. "My dad...." starts a new idea. However, if it must be one paragraph, you can use a transitional phrase, something like "I first realized this when my my dad recently battled...."
"...amazing medical team."
"Inspired by this, I looked into... became enthused about this vital profession." (for conciseness)
(New Paragraph?) "I started...." Or you can say something like "To do so, I trained at Penn Foster...." as a transition.
"... have gained and the enthusiasm...." (no comma)
I hope this helps.
Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for which you might want to apply
at a particular business or organization in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your paragraph and enable you
to write a polished paragraph.
This is my first draft. Is this correctly written for my assignment?
I am extremely excited about beginning my medical transcription career with you at Mayo Health Systems and look forward to making a positive impact in the lives of your patients. Very often it isn’t thought about, while your Dr. is looking at your chart in the hospital, the work that is behind making sure that the chart is accurate. My dad has recently battled and won his fight against cancer, which wouldn’t have been done without his amazing team. An important part of this team was the medical transcriptionists working behind the scenes making sure that his medical records were accurate, through, and prompt. Being inspired by this fact, I looked further into the career of medical transcription and became enthused to join ranks in this vital profession. In this fast paced career I could make a contribution that would affect peoples’ lives. I started my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. With the education I have gained, and the enthusiasm for the profession I have chosen, I know that I can be a vital part of the Mayo Health Systems team serving your patients.
2 answers
I am extremely excited about beginning my medical transcription career with you at Mayo Health Systems and look forward to making a positive impact in the lives of your patients. While your doctor is looking at your chart in the hospital, it isn’t often that a patient thinks about the work involved to make sure that their chart is accurate. I first realized this immense task when my dad recently battled and won his fight against cancer, which could not have been done without his amazing medical team. An important part of this team was the medical transcriptionists working behind the scenes making sure that his medical records were accurate, through, and prompt. Inspired by this fact, I looked further into the career of medical transcription and became enthused to join ranks in this vital profession. In this fast paced career I could make an important contribution that would affect peoples’ lives. To do so I started my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. With the education I have gained and the enthusiasm for the profession I have chosen, I know that I can be a vital part of the Mayo Health Systems team serving your patients.
0 answers