You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an

Question

interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Following is what I have come up with. Am I missing any aspects or is it to informal?
Beginning a career as an administrative assistant for the Ministry of Forests, Lands and Natural Resource Operations (FLNRO) would be a welcome change for me. I suffered for a year with Muscle Tension Dysphonia (MTD), which made me unable to speak. For many years I have been a teacher assistant working with high school, multiple needs severe behavior students. This is a highly stressful job which has contributed to the MTD. After working hard to get my voice back, I returned to the school and within a month my voice began to disappear again. I knew it was time to pursue my new career goals. During the course of the year off I had re-evaluated what I wanted from my career, I knew that I still wanted to work with people and I needed to do something that was educational. The job as an Administrative Assistant at FLNRO is going to help me to achieve the goals I have set. As an office worker I will be able to interact with people over the phone and in person. I will get to retain some of the educational aspects of my teaching career that I have enjoyed through proofreading and composing letters to clients. This job will also fulfill my goal to remain a lifelong learner, as there are so many aspects of the position as an administrative assistant for FLNRO that I am excited and willing to learn about. The ability to combine my past experiences with my future as an Administrative Assistant for your company has given me a new outlook on my working life.

Answer 1

"time to pursue my new career goals"
I'd delete "my" from this sentence.

"During the course of the year off I had re-evaluated what I wanted from my career, I knew that I still wanted to work with people and I needed to do something that was educational."
This is a run-on. Where and how will you divide this into two sentences?

I really like the content. I don't think you've omitted anything.

Answer 2

During the course of the year off I had re-evaluated what I wanted from my career. I knew that in a new job I still wanted to work with people and I needed to do something that was educational.