I am writing a persuasive paper and have completed the first two paragraphs please proofread and suggest anything that could make it better:
It is your last year in high school and it is time to make the big decision. Should a person go to college and be successful or should he open up my own business without getting a degree? This question can be easily answered if one thinks about the importance of a college education. One should consider the purpose of a college education. The purpose of a college education is to get a higher education, to get a degree in a major and to develop skills needed to follow a career. Another purpose of a college education is to gain the knowledge and skills necessary to make informed and reasonable decisions. There are many advantages of achieving a college education rather than just having a high school diploma.
First, attending college will allow the person to be more prosperous. When an employer is looking through applications the one that stands out more would be the college graduate. Some jobs are available to workers with a lower education level, but more education means a better job. A better job means better pay. Employers are not going to pay a person with a high school diploma the same amount as they are going to pay someone else with higher knowledge in that job field. Yes, a person with a high school diploma may be able to get the job done but a person with a little more knowledge may be able to apply their knowledge and help make the job better and more profitable.
5 answers
First, attending college will allow the person to be more prosperous. When an employer is looking through applications the one that stands out more would be the college graduate. Some jobs are available to workers with a lower education level, but more education means a better job. A better job means better pay. Employers are not going to pay a person with a high school diploma the same amount as they are going to pay someone else with higher knowledge in that job field. Yes, a person with a high school diploma may be able to get the job done but a person with a little more knowledge may be able to apply their knowledge and help make the job better and more profitable.
Thank you for using the Jiskha Homework Help Forum. In the first paragraph, look again at "should he open up my own business" because HE goes with HIS business. Also, since you have made it more impersonal, using "one" what about "one should open, etc.?"
Please look also at " many advantages of achieving" which would be better with "in" rather than "of."
The first paragraph is well done. So is the second, with a few things to look at. Perhaps a comma after "applications" in the 2nd line. A hyphen with "high-school" diploma or you could reword with "a diploma from high school" and avoid that! At the end, using "a person" is singular = "may be able to apply that knowledge" to avoid "their!" I'd rather "avoid" a sticky situation, if possible!
It is your last year in high school and it is time to make the big decision. Should a person go to college and be successful or should he open up his own business without getting a degree? This question can be easily answered if one thinks about the importance of a college education. One should consider the purpose of a college education. The purpose of a college education is to get a higher education, to get a degree in a major and to develop skills needed to follow a career. Another purpose of a college education is to gain the knowledge and skills necessary to make informed and reasonable decisions. There are many advantages in achieving a college education rather than just having a high school diploma.
First, attending college will allow the person to be more prosperous. When an employer is looking through applications, the one that stands out more would be the college graduate. Some jobs are available to workers with a lower education level, but more education means a better job. A better job means better pay. Employers are not going to pay a person with a diploma from high school the same amount as they are going to pay someone else with higher knowledge in that job field. Yes, a person with a high school diploma may be able to get the job done but a person with a little more knowledge may be able to apply that knowledge and help make the job better and more profitable.
Everything looks fine in the first paragraph except for the use of "your" in the first sentence. Everything else is written in 3rd person, so you need to change this 2nd person reference (you) to 3rd person, too.
In the second paragraph: Employers are not going to pay a person with a diploma from high school the same amount as they are going to pay<~~delete "they are going to pay" - it's repetitive someone else with higher knowledge in that job field. Yes, a person with a high school diploma may be able to get the job done<~~add comma but a person with a little more knowledge may be able to apply that knowledge and help make the job better and more profitable.
