Get rid of the "firstly," "secondly," lastly" stuff -- it smacks of no imagination.
"The statement above" takes for granted that whoever reads this will read whatever the "above" is. You cannot assume that the readers will read anything except your essay. This is a very 5th-grade way to write. Work on this.
Work on commas. Although this is not a super-important element in this type of test, it'll keep you from getting a 6, if that's your aim.
Your content is OK and organization is good.
I'd give this a low 4.
Question:
“According to a recent study, professional bodybuilders who used Train & Gain, a new protein supplement, over the course of three months experienced an increase in measured strength of up to 20%. Since Train & Gain is now available without prescription at all major pharmacies, superior results are no longer limited to professional athletes. Try Train & Gain today and you too can boost your strength and achieve professional-level performance in just a few months.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.
My essay:
The statement above claims that people can now gain strength like proffessional bodybuilders by using Train and Gain. Train and Gain claims to increase measured strength by 20%. The argument has many holes in it.
Firstly,the supplemant claims to increase strength by 20% but it does not mention what kind of strength or strength to do what. No empirical data is given to measure the strenght.The argument falsly tries to give an image of a better body by providing false statistics on strenght gain. The argument appears to mislead customers into using the new supplement by giving statistics that have no relation to the product.
Secondly, it is claimed that a recent study substantiates the claim that bodybuilders who use Train & Gain show improvement in their strength. There is no proof about the validity and authenticity of the study as neither the institute nor the doctors who conducted such a study is mentioned. Also the bodybuilders who have increased their strength during the course of three months may have worked their body more. The bodybuilders may have started a new exercise regime that could be causing such an effect.
Lastly, the argument claims that Train and gain can now benifit even non-professionals to acheive professional-level performance in a few months. Professional body builders put in a lot of effort and time to get the strength and body that they have. The statement gives a false notion that having the supplement alone can give anyone a professional body.
The argument could have been strengtened if the studies were validated by a certain renowned doctor or Medical Institute. This would not only give authenticity to the statement but also instill in the reader a feeling that the supplement is safe and would not cause any harm to the user. In the results of the study it should be clearly mentioned that the professions who increased their strength followed similar regimes as they did before to substantiate the it is the use of Train & Gain alone that cause an improvement in their strength. The use of non professions in the study and showcasing an improvement in them would highly strengthen the claims of the argument.
3 answers
Thank you for your help! :) Im not a native english speaker and havent written an essay . I would really like some inputs. :)
Here are some websites that can be very helpful:
http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1302942611
Click on INDEX; that is the easiest way to navigate this very large, very GOOD website! You can find help on Introductory Paragraphs, Concluding Paragraphs, Transitions, Commas, and all manner of other grammar and writing topics. The explanations and examples here are superb.
Here is another: http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html
You can see the different links to categories that will help, including Grammar (if you need it), Organization and Cohesion, Punctuation, etc.
The content of your papers so far is basically fine. I think it'll just be a matter of fine-tuning your wording (see transitions, introductions, conclusions in both sites) and expanding your vocabulary in the process.
http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1302942611
Click on INDEX; that is the easiest way to navigate this very large, very GOOD website! You can find help on Introductory Paragraphs, Concluding Paragraphs, Transitions, Commas, and all manner of other grammar and writing topics. The explanations and examples here are superb.
Here is another: http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html
You can see the different links to categories that will help, including Grammar (if you need it), Organization and Cohesion, Punctuation, etc.
The content of your papers so far is basically fine. I think it'll just be a matter of fine-tuning your wording (see transitions, introductions, conclusions in both sites) and expanding your vocabulary in the process.
1 answer