"Write a creative description of a journey you have taken. Focus on the means of transportation and the nuances in particular to that way of travel. Select 10 words from the speeling list to use in your piece of writing and write in the space provided on the answer sheet."

Question

The words are: destination, exist, forage, larva, surface, density, peer, presence, vessels, meander, distracted, heaving, adequate, fastened, catastrophe.

Hi there, can you please have a look at my work, suggest some ideas of how i can cont. this story, paraphrase some parts perhaps and also point out the mistakes i have made.

I can feel me cheeks, collarbone and face hard against the coarse surface. It felt muggy, cold and very uncomfortable. I'm not sure when I dozed off but i have terrible body aches everywhere like someone had crushed me against a wall.

My body immediately detected the presence of cold as the blanket of warmth flew off my body, leaving my body exposed and non-existant.

Already I could tell,without taking glances, that my cheeks have turned a deathly white with pink-crimson grazes on it.

A whole heap of water spews all over the shore or the uncertain destination that I have reached. I can feel a big wave coming in, chopping and splashing aginst the rocks.

I try to stand but my legs crumble and fall to the ground.

I can feel the air trying to meander through my airways. I get distracted as thoughts come into my mind, Could this be my last day?! No! This is just a catastrophic nightmare.

It's just a dream,I say to myself. I've got a life to live on. It has to be, because there were so many things i wanted to tell her.


I think there's some issues with the sentence structure but i don't know where to continue form this point!!

Answer 1

#1. Your "paragraphs" are not true paragraphs. There is no idea development in these.

#2. Please go over your paper with the following in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:

In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)

[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! (The latter works really well!)]

If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.

Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.

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And here are three really good websites that will help, too.

http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/10/28/editing-secrets-everyone-should-know/

http://teacher.sheboyganfalls.k12.wi.us/staff/dehogue/FSSH/proof.htm

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/proofing.htm

Answer 2

Thanks for the links :).

I have started from scratch and its the first creative or imaginatuve thing i can do or think of. I have put up another post regarding this task, just look for my name. Its about how a girl becomes sucessful (academically)> gets schlorship from a uni that's interstate > at first things are alright but then she feel non-existant > she then wants to come back (I don't know what the reason for this may be and this is the point I am stuck with)> she comes home and... (don't know how to finish story as well :l) Need urgent help!!