Write a business letter to the company or organization that's offering something you want and ask four questions that are important to you. Be sure to include enough background information, so the reader can answer your questions satisfactorily.

Question

Hollywood Vacation Giveaway
123 Hollywood Lane
Hollywood, FL 12345

First name Last name
4321 Winners Lane
Richmond, VA 23224

Dear _________________
I was excited to see your advertisement in the Jet Magazine about the Hollywood vacation giveaway. However; I was not able to get all of the information I needed in order to submit my sign up sheet. I have a few questions I would like to ask before I can sign up. Please take a moment to read my letter so that I can get my application in as soon as possible.
The magazine did not sate that there was a dead line to turn in my application for the Hollywood giveaway. How long do I have to turn in my application before it is too late? I also wanted to know is there any fees that I should be aware of before I sign up?
I am very interested in this giveaway and appreciate the opportunity to signup. Is there anything I should do in order to increase my changes of winning? What are the qualifications I must have to sign up?
Please respond to my letter and question at your earliest convenience. I will be looking forward to hearing from you soon. Please feel free to contact me at (804)-123-4567 Thanks in advance.
Sincerely
First and last name

What is wrong here?

Answer 1

Very wordy!!

First and second sentences are OK.

Third and fourth sentences need to be deleted. They're just fluff. Get to the point.

Fifth and sixth sentences need to be combined into a much-shortened sentence.

Seventh sentence is awkward and with at least one grammar error, but needs to stay.

Eighth sentence is more fluff -- delete it.

Ninth and tenth sentences need to be reversed.

The second paragraph is very wordy, too. Lots of fluff in there. What can you delete and still keep the basis of what the paragraph is about?