'Write a brief description of the place you love: Tell your readers how you came to know this place, what it looks like and sounds like and feels like.'

Question

This is what I got:

One place that I really love is the state of North Carolina. I came to love it by living there for the first five years of my life in America. At first I was a little nervous; the enviroment was totally new to me! But as the time passed, North Carolina became my everything, as it held my home, my school, my family, and me.

In the summer, the long trees blew cool breezes that made us kids shiver while we swam in the pool. The taste of popsicles always hung in our mouth. In winter, the first snow was always the most beautiful, covering my lovely state in a blanket of white. In spring, the bumblebees hovered over the pollen-filled flowers, and in fall the trees turned into beautiful shades of yellow and red.

Ofcourse, I live in Georgia now and all that is gone, but the sights of North Carolina are still fresh in my mind.

Is that alright?

Thanks
-MC

Answer 1

Minimal, but OK.

You have written a lot about how you felt when you were there, but not much about what the place LOOKS LIKE. There's not one descriptive word in the first paragraph. In the second paragraph, use "tall" instead of "long" when you describe trees. There are a few descriptive elements in the second paragraph, but it brings up only the vaguest image in my mind.

The point of descriptive writing is to make your reader SEE IN DETAIL what you are describing. Rather than trying to describe the entire state (about which whole books have been written), you'd be better off to concentrate on one particular place, such as one lake or one beach or one house or one room in a house.

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/descriptive.html

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/narrative.htm

Answer 2

well, the assignment wanted a part of you, and you don't like to reveal yourself.

The assignment asked:
what it looks like; you did fairly well with that except with my memories, you didn't mention the mountains, and valleys.

What is sounds like: Hmmm. I don't find that.

What it feels like: You only mentioned popsicles. I remember that vinegar based BBQ, with its tangy sharp flavor and aroma. I remember fried fish.

So, MC, you need to do the following on your writing.
Reread the assignment after the work, and see if you did what it asked. In your creative writing, this means reread your THESIS, and see if you developed that.
Start to unload in your writing, putting yourself and revelations about yourself; feelings, thoughts, inner beliefs about your subject. You tend to write descriptions of what you see, not how you see them. As an example, see this rewrite of the last paragraph...

<In the summer, I shivered in cool breezes as if a winter storm was passing the pool. The taste of Popsicle stayed with me as the Sun beat down. And when winter came, the first snow banketed as if the world was a thing of beauty, waiting to be uncovered and its secrets revealed. As spring came the palete filled with flowers, with bumblebees going to and fro, dancing before me in a ballet of joy, and it filled my soul.>>

Now note the difference, in the rewrite, it is not what I saw, but what I felt. I think that is what the assignment was about, and it is what you are failing to do: You write about things, what you see, but not how it stirs you. Yes, it is difficult to reveal one's soul.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Thank you

-MC