Use the example to answer the prompt.

Question

A person drafts a report about their observations of an office. Before submitting the report, they revise it.

Draft:

After I talked to a bunch of staff members, I realized there were big problems in this office. Several people were rude during a meeting, and it made the other people feel sad and unhappy at work. The office manager needs to talk to everybody and teach them to get along.

Revision:

After interviewing many staff members, it became apparent that the office suffers from a poor work culture. Several employees do not act respectfully toward their coworkers, and it is creating an unpleasant work environment. Office management should organize a training session about appropriate workplace interactions.

Write 3–5 sentences explaining the difference in tone between the draft and the revision. Include at least two examples of word choice differences that create the change in tone.

Answer 1

The tone of the revision is more professional and formal compared to the draft. In the draft, the word "bunch" is used to describe the staff members, which has a casual and informal connotation. In the revision, the word "interviewing" is used, which suggests a more serious and formal approach to gathering information. Additionally, in the draft, the word "rude" is used to describe the behavior of some employees, which has a negative and judgmental tone. In the revision, the phrase "do not act respectfully" is used instead, which presents the behavior more objectively without passing judgment.