Your essay is full of unsupported opinion, and some of them are remarkable gross generalizations. Examples:
Unless this situation improves, the entire human population will face similar circumstances as the finite supply of water runs out.
Then the conclusion: Access to clean water may soon be accessible to all those who need it in the world; technological .......pollution free energy....
Where in the world did you get those opinions? You certainly did not support them. The alternate conclusion is trite, it in fact is not a conclusion at all to your supporting paragraphs.
I would mark it a 2, or maybe in a generous mood 3, but no more.
Topic: At a recent conference on global issues, several panels debated possible solutions to problems facing the world today. There is no consensus on the solutions or even on the nature of the problems. Some considered nuclear proliferation to be the most serious issue. Others concentrated on global warming, whereas some put forth would poverty as the most serious issue.
Assignment: What in your opinion is the most serious problem facing the world today
Plan and write an assay that develops you ideas logically. Support your opinion with
specific evidence taken from your personal experience, your observations of others or
your reading.
Though the "unintelligent" dinosaurs lasted millions of years, the "intelligent" and "superior" human species doesn't seem to be on that track. The planet Earth is plagued with problems, each one of them causing massive amounts of necessary devastation. Of these problems, I believe that the lack of clean water in Africa and the global dependence on fossil fuels are our biggest problems today.
Africa is the poorest continent on Earth, containing the top ten countries with the lowest GDP in the world. The biggest problems present is their lack of water. Over 3,000 children die of thirst each day, but this ongoing crisis is ignored. Rather than spending money to advance their economies, nations are forced to deplete their budget in hopes of keeping the rest of their population alive. Global attention has shifted away from this problem as other immediate concerns are attended to. Unless this situation improves, the entire human population will face similar circumstances as the finite supply of water runs out.
Just like water, fossil fuels exist in finite supply on the planet soon to be consumed out of existence. Alternate energy is become increasingly more necessary as the financial burden of the limited supply hurts markets. The instability in the global economy is affecting the welfare of nations and its citizens. Unless a replacement for fossil fuels is found soon, we will be thrown back to the stone age with no electricity, power or means of maintaining our current standard of living.
As bleak as this future might look, scientists and workers are working around the clock to help solve many of the world's pressing issues. Clean water may soon be accessible to all those who need it around the world; technological developments may hand us a source of pollution free energy ending out dependence on fossil fuels. As long as effort is put into solving the world's grievances, we may be able to reinstate a peaceful setting on Earth.
ALTERNATE CONCLUSION:
As bleak as this future might look, scientists and workers are working around the clock to help solve many of the world's pressing issues. Access to clean water will mean healthier youth. That very youth will grow up and use their nourished minds to solve our dependence on fossil fuels. As long as effort is put into solving the world's grievances, we may be able to reinstate a peaceful setting on Earth.
2 answers
I agree with Bob Pursley. I'd rate this a 2, at best.
In addition to Bob's comments, I want to point out that your prompt was to chose one problem. But you chose two widely dissimilar problems. Lack of potable water is certainly a much more serious problem than running out of oil.
You claim that water is a finite resource. Wrong! Water is an infinite resource, although it is scarce in some areas. I'd also like to see your source that states that 3,000 children die each day of thirst! (Btw -- people don't die of thirst, but of dehydration.)
It looks like you'd better start over from scratch for this essay.
In addition to Bob's comments, I want to point out that your prompt was to chose one problem. But you chose two widely dissimilar problems. Lack of potable water is certainly a much more serious problem than running out of oil.
You claim that water is a finite resource. Wrong! Water is an infinite resource, although it is scarce in some areas. I'd also like to see your source that states that 3,000 children die each day of thirst! (Btw -- people don't die of thirst, but of dehydration.)
It looks like you'd better start over from scratch for this essay.