To:

Question

From:
Subject: Hi Ms. Lorenzo
Wassup Mrs. Lorenzo?
How is your day going? Mine is going great. I am sitting here in art class and am supposed to be working
on a project, but I don't really want to. In fact, I don't really want to be in school. I hate school. My mom
makes me go because she says classes like English are "important.” I'm all like "whatevs mom.” English is
stoopid. Video games are where it’s at.
Anyway, I was looking online and it looks like you messed up my grade. You need to change it back
immediately or I will get in trouble. Can you explain this. Take care of this asap. Please and thx.
Have a good day! :)
Kevin Pepper

what's wrong with this email? how am I going to improve it?

Answer 1

This email has several issues that affect its professionalism and effectiveness. Here are the key problems and suggestions for improvement:

Issues:

1. Informal Tone: Using slang like "Wassup," "whatevs," "stoopid," and emojis makes the email sound too casual and unprofessional for a communication with a teacher.
2. Lack of Courtesy and Respect: The email lacks proper greetings and closing remarks. The language used is demanding ("you need to change it back immediately") rather than requesting assistance politely.
3. Grammatical Errors and Spelling: There are several grammatical issues and typos, such as "stoopid" and "thx." This negatively impacts clarity and professionalism.
4. Vague Explanation of the Issue: The email does not provide sufficient context about the grade issue, making it unclear what needs addressing.
5. Subject Line: The subject line is too vague; it should be more descriptive.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Use a Professional Greeting: Start with "Dear Ms. Lorenzo," or "Hello Ms. Lorenzo," to set a respectful tone.
2. Maintain a Formal Tone: Avoid slang and informal expressions. Use proper language and complete sentences.
3. Be Polite and Respectful: Use phrases like "I would appreciate it if you could help me" or "I am concerned about my grade."
4. Clearly State the Issue: Mention the specific grade or assignment in question and provide any necessary details to clarify the situation.
5. Use a Clear and Relevant Subject Line: Choose a subject line like "Grade Inquiry for [Subject/Assignment Name]" to clarify the purpose immediately.

Example of a Revised Email:

Subject: Inquiry About My Grade for [Assignment Name]

Dear Ms. Lorenzo,

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to inquire about my grade for [specific assignment or subject]. I noticed a discrepancy, and I would appreciate your assistance in understanding the situation.

I understand that school can be challenging at times, but I value the importance of the subjects we are studying. If you could provide clarification on my grade, I would be grateful. 

Thank you for your time and help. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards,
Kevin Pepper

This revised version maintains professionalism, shows respect, and clearly communicates the issue while inviting a constructive response.