1. The description of the heat as reaching 105 degrees is redundant, as stating it is "really hot" implies a high temperature.
2. Use of the word "barbie" should be capitalized as Barbie, as it is a proper noun.
3. The sentence structure is awkward and could be rephrased for better flow and clarity.
4. The use of "boyfriends" should be corrected to "boyfriend" as Ken is referring to himself.
the day was really hot as the heat reaches 105 degrees , it was really warm. Ken wanted barbie to stay inside really bad , but she wanted to go tan herself in the sun , he told her "your going to burn out there" "dont you want to stay inside next to your boyfriends." she still sad no and ken was sad.
What were some problems you noticed with that paragraph?
1 answer