This is how I'd rewrite #1 ...
We will be holding a seminar on the topics of sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination. We need a trainer to teach twenty office supervisors ways to prevent, cope with, and report such acts. In addition, the trainer needs to provide helpline numbers for those attending the seminar. Please send me a list of resources the trainer will need and what the office supervisors must bring with them.
~~ March 18, 2015
~~ 10 AM to 12 PM, with a 15-minute break
~~ Conference room 116 on the first floor.
If you have any questions, please contact me at janedoe or 514-662-6688.
Thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in supplying successful training for the last twenty years.
Special note to my all time favorite: Writeacher: I am sorry that my changes seemed as if I did not read your first notations, I did and I admit I changed only a few words. I am sorry if you thought I ignored it and just re submitted it. I am a beginner in writing business letters and it takes me a lot of time to understand. Therefore, if I am making mistakes please forgive me.
Assume that you’ve worked for the last five years as an administrative
assistant for the Human Resources Department of Broadworth General
Hospital. The Director of Human Resources, Miriam Hopkins, has charged
you with organizing a two-hour training seminar to be attended by the
hospital’s 20 office supervisors. The seminar should cover sexual harassment
and unlawful discrimination in the workplace.
For the last 20 years, the hospital has contracted all training through the
nationally acclaimed Wydade Consulting Services. Jeremy Dittmer,
employee relations specialist, is manager of the local branch of Wydade.
He requires a three-month advance notice regarding any training
Broadworth needs so he can supply an appropriate trainer and any
materials that may be required. This is the first time you’ve dealt
directly with Mr. Dittmer.
You must also make all necessary arrangements for the seminar, including
time, date, a room at the hospital for training, any resources the
trainer needs, any materials those who attend might need, and light
refreshments for a 15-minute break.
#1
I am writing to you regarding an upcoming seminar that will cover the sensitive topics of sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination. I request an appropriate trainer who will teach twenty office supervisors ways to prevent, cope with, and report such acts. In addition, I also request the trainer to provide helpline numbers to distribute at the seminar. Moreover, at your convenience, please send me a list of resources the trainer will need, and what the office supervisors are required to bring along. Furthermore, this event will be held on March 18, 2015, at the conference room 116 located at the first floor. It will start at 10 am for a two hour period including a fifteen minute break where light refreshments will be served.
On behalf of Broadworth General Hospital, we thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering successful trainings for the last twenty years. We hope to have the pleasure to continue doing business with you for the many years to come. We look forward to another successful seminar.
If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me by email at (...) or by phone at 514-662-6688.
#2
We have received confirmation from Jeremy Dittmer for our seminar occurring on March 18, 2015 at 10am. The conference room 116 will be reserved for twenty supervisors; they are required to bring notepads and pens. The trainer selected is Deb Walker. All the materials requested by Deb, such as chairs, tables and a projector will be set up the evening prior to the seminar. Deb will arrive before time with her laptop in order to set up her power point presentation. She will be providing helpline numbers at the end of the event for future references. In addition, during this two-hour period seminar, there will be a 15 minute break where light refreshments, such as cookies, muffins, fruits, tea, coffee, juice and water bottles which will be delivered to the conference room by the hospital cafeteria.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. You can also contact Deb Walker directly by email at Deb.Walker... or by phone at 514-570-8889 ext: 2011.
#3
I am confirming our arrangements regarding the sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination seminar which will occur on March 18, 2015. The address of Broadworth General Hospital is 160 Stillview Avenue, Pointe-Claire, H9R 2Y2. The seminar will begin at 10am and as you requested you will be allowed before time to set up your presentation at the conference room 116 located on the first floor. All the materials requested, such as tables, chairs, and a projector will be set up the evening preceding the event. Also, I understand you will provide help-line numbers for our attendees along with a power point presentation to show additional information to further the understanding of the seminar. The seminar will be two hours long including a 15 minute break where there will be light refreshments provided by the hospital cafeteria.
If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me at 514-662-6688
I tried my best, and i am sorry once again !
2 answers
Now you hack away at 2 and 3 ... getting rid of all unnecessary words. Business people have little time to wade through lots of gobbledegook, no matter how polite you might think it is!
1 answer