Go over this with the same things in mind I told you about the other one.
Revise, getting rid of any redundancies or wordiness.
Should I revise anything?
In my opinion, the use of “scary things” as entertainment is redundant. I mean, honestly, what on earth is so enjoyable about fear? Fear is what haunts us and frightened us even as young children. Yes, we are taught to face it, to not fear it, but not to use it for our entertainment. Why? Because I think it is completely absurd, and somewhat cruel, to laugh at such things that may be the fears of others. How would you feel if what you fear the most is made a joke? Something that nearly everyone finds amusing? You can’t deny that, at some point, you would feel like a coward and become ashamed of your own fears.
Furthermore, I think the use of "scary things" as entertainment is ridiculous because I don't understand how anyone might receive a thrill from fear. Yes, fear is what may trigger your adrenaline, but I feel as though there are many other means to do so. Perhaps, you could sky-dive or bungee-jump from the top of a waterfall if you are brave enough. But why on earth would you seek this excitement from a well-made film that consists of gore and demons? If you desire a thrill, then do something that will actually give you one. Like my eldest sister, Veronica, once said, "You want a thrill? Go jump off a cliff."
4 answers
Correction: In my opinion, the use of “scary things” as entertainment is redundant, mainly because I don’t understand what is so enjoyable about fear. It is what haunts us, even as young children. Yes, we are taught to face it, but not to use it for our entertainment. Why? Because I think it is completely absurd, and somewhat cruel, to laugh at such things that may be the fears of others. How would you feel if what you fear the most is made a joke? Something that nearly everyone finds amusing? You can’t deny that, at some point, you would feel like a coward and become ashamed of your own fears.
Furthermore, I think the use of frightening entertainment is ridiculous because I don't understand how anyone could receive a thrill from fear. Yes, fear is what might trigger your adrenaline, but I feel as though there are other many means to do so. Perhaps, you could sky-dive or bungee-jump from the top of a waterfall. But why on earth would you seek this excitement from a film that consists of gore and demons? If you desire a thrill, then do something that will actually give you one. Like my eldest sister, Veronica, once said, "You want a thrill? Go jump off a cliff."
Furthermore, I think the use of frightening entertainment is ridiculous because I don't understand how anyone could receive a thrill from fear. Yes, fear is what might trigger your adrenaline, but I feel as though there are other many means to do so. Perhaps, you could sky-dive or bungee-jump from the top of a waterfall. But why on earth would you seek this excitement from a film that consists of gore and demons? If you desire a thrill, then do something that will actually give you one. Like my eldest sister, Veronica, once said, "You want a thrill? Go jump off a cliff."
Lose the quotation marks (unless you're actually quoting someone else and giving proper credit), and use a less slangy term here. "scary things"
Proper uses of quotation marks: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/quotation.htm
Why? Because I think it is...
You have set yourself up for a fragment here. How will you fix this?
How can you rephrase and get rid of all the instances of "you" in all its forms.
Learn when to use "like" and when to use "as" when giving an example.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm#like
The content is fine; work on making it read more smoothly.
Proper uses of quotation marks: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/quotation.htm
Why? Because I think it is...
You have set yourself up for a fragment here. How will you fix this?
How can you rephrase and get rid of all the instances of "you" in all its forms.
Learn when to use "like" and when to use "as" when giving an example.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm#like
The content is fine; work on making it read more smoothly.
Is this better?
In my opinion, the use of “scary things” as entertainment is redundant, mainly because I don’t understand what is so enjoyable about fear. It is what haunts us, even as young children. Yes, we are taught to face it, but not to use it for our entertainment. This is because I think it is completely absurd, and somewhat cruel, to laugh at such things that may be the fears of others. How would someone feel if what they fear the most is made a joke? Something that nearly everyone finds amusing? No one can deny that, at some point, they would feel like a coward and become ashamed of their own fears.
Furthermore, I think the use of frightening entertainment is ridiculous because I don't understand how anyone could receive a thrill from fear. Yes, fear is what might cause adrenaline to trigger, but I feel as though there are other many means to do so. Perhaps, a person could sky-dive or bungee-jump from the top of a waterfall. However, why on earth would someone seek this excitement from a film that consists of gore and demons? If one desires a thrill, then I think that they should do something that will actually give them one. As my eldest sister, Veronica, once said, "You want a thrill? Go jump off a cliff."
In my opinion, the use of “scary things” as entertainment is redundant, mainly because I don’t understand what is so enjoyable about fear. It is what haunts us, even as young children. Yes, we are taught to face it, but not to use it for our entertainment. This is because I think it is completely absurd, and somewhat cruel, to laugh at such things that may be the fears of others. How would someone feel if what they fear the most is made a joke? Something that nearly everyone finds amusing? No one can deny that, at some point, they would feel like a coward and become ashamed of their own fears.
Furthermore, I think the use of frightening entertainment is ridiculous because I don't understand how anyone could receive a thrill from fear. Yes, fear is what might cause adrenaline to trigger, but I feel as though there are other many means to do so. Perhaps, a person could sky-dive or bungee-jump from the top of a waterfall. However, why on earth would someone seek this excitement from a film that consists of gore and demons? If one desires a thrill, then I think that they should do something that will actually give them one. As my eldest sister, Veronica, once said, "You want a thrill? Go jump off a cliff."
1 answer