The tone of the draft is informal and somewhat casual, which can undermine the seriousness of the issues being discussed. For example, the use of the phrase "talked to a bunch of staff members" suggests a lack of professionalism, while the revision uses "interviewing many staff members," which conveys a more formal and thorough approach. Additionally, the draft refers to employees being "rude," while the revision uses "do not act respectfully," which presents the behavior in a more objective and less personal manner. Overall, the revision's word choices contribute to a more professional and serious tone, making the concerns seem more significant.
se the example to answer the prompt.
A person drafts a report about their observations of an office. Before submitting the report, they revise it.
Draft:
After I talked to a bunch of staff members, I realized there were big problems in this office. Several people were rude during a meeting, and it made the other people feel sad and unhappy at work. The office manager needs to talk to everybody and teach them to get along.
Revision:
After interviewing many staff members, it became apparent that the office suffers from a poor work culture. Several employees do not act respectfully toward their coworkers, and it is creating an unpleasant work environment. Office management should organize a training session about appropriate workplace interactions.
Write 3–5 sentences explaining the difference in tone between the draft and the revision. Include at least two examples of word choice differences that create the change in tone.
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