Read the sentence a student wrote about avalanches.

Question

The avalanche dumps tons and tons of snow on people and zooms really fast down the mountain.

Which revision is most appropriate for a formal informational essay?

Responses

The avalanche dumps 300,000 cubic yards of snow and zooms 120 miles an hour down on people.
The avalanche dumps 300,000 cubic yards of snow and zooms 120 miles an hour down on people.

The thundering sound of an avalanche sends fear into the heart of anyone who is unlucky enough to be in its path.
The thundering sound of an avalanche sends fear into the heart of anyone who is unlucky enough to be in its path.

An avalanche can reach speeds of 120 miles an hour and send up to 300,000 cubic yards of snow down a slope.
An avalanche can reach speeds of 120 miles an hour and send up to 300,000 cubic yards of snow down a slope.

Suddenly they heard the sound of tons of snow breaking free and crashing toward them at over 120 miles an hour.
Suddenly they heard the sound of tons of snow breaking free and crashing toward them at over 120 miles an hour.
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Answer 1

The most appropriate revision for a formal informational essay is:

An avalanche can reach speeds of 120 miles an hour and send up to 300,000 cubic yards of snow down a slope.

This revision maintains a formal tone, provides specific information, and presents the facts in a clear and informative manner.