Content and organization are fine; conclusion is far better than in your last essays.
There are still mechanical errors that detract from smooth reading. I'll list some of them below. Basically, you need to try for more concise, less convoluted sentences; stay in the same verb tense; and watch typos and simple spelling errors.
I'd give this paper a 4.
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"the key to their demise or success" -- to what or whom is "their" referring? It had better be to something or someone in the plural!
"talk of Michael Phelps commences on all sports channels" -- all the other tenses in this part of the essay are past; why is this one present?
"eight gold deals and breaking the Olympic record set my Mark Spitz" -- two typos or spelling problems in here. See them?
There are others, but the fact that they make the reader pause and have to reread the sentence to make sense of it is a problem. You want your sentences to flow and your readers to be able to read without "stumbling."
Here is a webpage about concise sentences that may help:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
Question: Is it better to be underrated or overrated?
Society's expectation of an individual can many times be the key to their demise or success. The underrated player may rise up to prove everyone wrong, while the overrated might collapse under pressure. I firmly believe that it is more beneficial to be underrated than overrated and this can be seen through the experiences of Michael Phelps and myself in the competitive world of swimming.
As the 2008 Olympics drew near, talk of Michael Phelps commences on all sports channels. His grueling and record setting schedule was analyzed, his history and physique was throughly examined, but everyone came to the same conclusion; Michael Phelps would not be able to achieve the record setting eight gold medals that he was aspiring for. This motivated Phelps to try and prove everyone wrong. "It fired me up," he would say. Taking all criticism and using it as his motivation, Phelps did what he does best, swim. Winning the eight gold deals and breaking the Olympic record set my Mark Spitz, Phelps contributed his monstrous achievement to his lack of over-confidence and plentiful supply of motivation. It paid off to be the underrated.
Though I am not (and probably won't be) an Olympic swimmer, I have had quite a similar experience to Phelps'. At the age of twelve, I was on the swim team in a local swim league, underrated as someone not to watch. My team didn't hold me in high regard. Drawing on this as my motivation, I won a "gold medal" at an inter-league competition. I know that if i had been overrated, I would've probably lost because of a sense of overconfidence. I happily rose my own bar of expectation for myself, proving everyone wrong.
As I leave the pool every morning from practice, I know that I am highly venerated amongst my team. This does not change my mentality now; I will always be the underrated one who overachieves and performs better than everyone else. Who knows, maybe I can win nine gold medals while I'm at it.
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