"This quote is in fact true." <~~Please learn not to write sentences like this. It's very 3rd-grade-ish. Either delete it or write something that's more 12th-grade-ish!
"Though talent people can" <~~What does this mean?
Why is "swimming" in quotation marks? Whom are you quoting? And how did the "swimming" metaphor come into all this?
Get rid of all instances of "you" and rephrase.
The second paragraph is filled with generalizations. Get some specifics in there. This needs to be vastly revised (or pitched out and rewritten from scratch).
This is similar to the fable. The hare and the turtle greatly demonstrate this topic. <~~You should be able to smoothly write all this into one sentence.
All through here, you have pronouns that have no clear antecedents: "this" and "which" are the most obvious. Each time one of these words occurs, you need to be able to identify which ONE WORD it refers to -- ONE WORD, not a whole idea.
The conclusion is not developed into a full paragraph. And there's a subject-verb agreement error in that last sentence.
I'd give this a very low 3.
Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, August 27, 2013 at 7:10pm.
Please give feedback and grade.
Prompt:"Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
Assignment: Do you agree that persistence is the major factor in success, and that talent, genius, and education play, at best, secondary roles?
Essay
"Hard work beats talent while talent fails to work hard." This quote is in fact true. How can someone be successful without putting work effort? Though talent people can speed through things and have excellent results, they may fall behind if they do not keep "swimming". I agree that persistence is the major factor in success, and that talent,genius, and education play, at best, secondary roles.
If you were to compare a talented and an average student, who is likely to be successful? The answer is likely to be the talented student. It is important to realize that a student who puts work effort can beat a student who is talented and does not continue to persevere. There are more things to learn and knowledge is not limited to a certain degree. For instance, if a talented student learns all of the algebra concept in sixth grade and does not put work effort because it is extremely easy,it is likely that he or she will not succeed. Relying on the fact that it is so easy, causes the students to stop previewing concepts and learning them. They are extremely confident about themselves. On the other hand, student who work hard can expect to see superfluous result for "no pain, no gain". Through their hardships, they are able to obtain what they aspire.
This is similar to the fable. The hare and the turtle greatly demonstrate this topic. The hare relies on the fact that he is able to run fast, which is his talent. For this reason, he decides to rest during the race or in other words, to stop making progress and to stop persevering. The turtle does not have any talent, but yet it is able to work hard and persevere. This pays off--the turtle beats the hare. The turtle is slow, but hardworking, while the hare is fast and lazy.Talent combined with lazy does not equal to success.
Perseverance is hard and tiring,but it definitely pays off. Talents without any hard work is nothing.
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