In an attempt to warn females against falling under the consequences of a patriarchal society, progressive feminist Adrienne Rich defines patriarchy as, “the power of the fathers: a familial-social, ideological, political system in which men- by force, direct pressure, or through ritual, tradition, law and language, customs, etiquette, education and the division of labour- determine what part women shall or shall not play, and in which the female is everywhere subsumed under the male” (Of Woman Born, 57). Through her prose and poetry, Rich fights for societal change in an effort to advance the feminist movement, and prevent females from being oppressed. Shakespeare’s Othello contains the women Rich is reaching out to, victims of a patriarchal society. Shakespeare portrays its women -- Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca -- as victims of patriarchy, living under oppressive conditions of which Adrienne Rich, a progressive feminist, would disapprove; Rich believes it is only through breaking the mold which men create that women will gain independence and respect. The impact of living in a society Rich warns against can be seen as Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca’s suppression and patriarchal way of life results in their demise and in Desdemona and Emilia’s case, their death.

Question

This is my opening paragraph and I was wondering if I could get some feedback

Answer 1

In an attempt to warn females against falling under the consequences (AWKWARD TERM. "CONTROL" MIGHT BE BETTER.) of a patriarchal society, progressive feminist Adrienne Rich defines patriarchy as, (NO COMMA) “the power of the fathers: a familial-social, ideological, political system in which men- (USE TWO N-DASHES [--] OR AN M-DASH [—].) by force, direct pressure, or through ritual, tradition, law and language, customs, etiquette, education and the division of labour- (USE TWO N-DASHES [--] OR AN M-DASH [—].) determine what part women shall or shall not play, and in which the female is everywhere subsumed under the male” (Of Woman Born, 57). Through her prose and poetry, Rich fights for societal change in an effort to advance the feminist movement, (NO COMMA) and prevent females from being oppressed.

USE NEW PARAGRAPH TO INDICATE CHANGE IN IDEAS, PLACES, TIMES OR PERSONS.

Shakespeare’s Othello contains the women Rich is reaching out to, victims of a patriarchal society. Shakespeare portrays its women -- (GOOD!) Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca -- as victims of patriarchy, living under oppressive conditions of which Adrienne Rich, a progressive feminist, would disapprove; NEW SENTENCE. Rich believes it is only through breaking the mold which men create that women will gain independence and respect. The impact of living in a society Rich warns against can be seen as Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca’s suppression and (THE FOLLOWING WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE AS A SEPARATE SENTENCE.) patriarchal way of life results in their demise (SINCE "DEMISE" CAN ALSO MEAN DEATH, THIS IS REDUNDANT. USE THEASARUS TO FIND ANOTHER TERM.)and in Desdemona and Emilia’s case, their death.

Although this is just a cursory response, I hope it helps. Thanks for asking.