I'm writing a persuasive request but English is not my native language. I've done many drafting and revising, but still not sure. so I would be grateful if you could show me what I did wrong and the correct way to revise it. Thanks

Question

"Dear xxx,
I would like to express my delight of being part of this growing organization and the opportunity to work under your effective leadership. First of all, I would like to thank you for your support, guidance, and encouragement. I have learned quite a lot from your knowledge, and vision. I hope you will agree that, in the eight years I have worked for you, I have become an integral member of your team and accomplished a great deal. As you are aware, I’ve finished the following projects in the last twelve months:

• bullet list of major accomplishments

I believe I have demonstrated my capabilities and potential by completing the project in the estimated time. Moreover, I have put exceptional efforts to make sure it is completed as planned. In addition, I have also completed the Bachelor Degree in Information Technology in 2011, which I am personally proud of. Now, I would like to inform you that I have recently finished the CCNA certification. This is a major step in my career development plan and a mile stone that marks an important phase in my career. This achievement has elevated my knowledge and gave me a higher perspective on how things can be accomplished.
In the light of what has been stated, I would like to kindly ask you to acknowledge my performance, hard work, and achievements by considering a salary review. I am confident that you agree with me that I am a hard working and devoted employee and that is the reason I am expressing my wish to be compensated in a similar way to other people who are doing the same tasks and duties as I do. I believe I have proven my abilities and I am perfectly comfortable facing new challenges and ready to step in to handle new responsibilities at any moment.

In conclusion, I am willing to give more and would be thankful if my contribution and efforts can be recognized and you can be sure that it can only result in utmost dedication to my job. I have full confidence in your good judgment.

Thanks again for the opportunity. I look forward to continuing to be a key player on your team in a mutually-rewarding relationship.

Sincerely,
"