Of course, this is excellent.
But, it doesn't sound like YOUR own words.
I want to briefly share an account of my trip from Cuba. We were 9 people in a
rickety boat, when we left Cuba guided solely by a full moon. We spent seven days and
eight nights at sea; we were all dehydrated, and some of us were hallucinating. I was
seeing things in the water and heat. Strong storms churned the water and rain fell hard
into the open boat; we were drifting aimlessly in shark infested waters. My mind was
going, that was the moment I thought we were going to die. We had run out of food,
water and fuel by the time we washed ashore.
2 answers
I want to briefly share an account of my trip from Cuba. We were 9 people in a
rickety boat, when we left Cuba (REDUNDANT. DELETE "WHEN WE LEFT CUBA.") guided solely by a full moon. We spent seven days and eight nights at sea; (NEW SENTENCE FOR EMPHASIS.) we were all dehydrated, and some of us were hallucinating. I was seeing things in the water and heat. ("SEEING THINGS IN...HEAT" IS UNCLEAR, AMBIGUOUS.) Strong storms churned the water and rain fell hard into the open boat; (NEW SENTENCE) we were drifting aimlessly in shark infested waters. My mind was going, that was the moment (DELETE PREVIOUS PHRASE.) I thought we were going to die. We had run out of food, water and fuel by the time ("BEFORE") we ("FINALLY")washed ashore.
This does not match you other description of the trip. Is this a work of fiction rather than being biographical?
Either way, you might want describe the other occupants of the boat.
I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.
rickety boat, when we left Cuba (REDUNDANT. DELETE "WHEN WE LEFT CUBA.") guided solely by a full moon. We spent seven days and eight nights at sea; (NEW SENTENCE FOR EMPHASIS.) we were all dehydrated, and some of us were hallucinating. I was seeing things in the water and heat. ("SEEING THINGS IN...HEAT" IS UNCLEAR, AMBIGUOUS.) Strong storms churned the water and rain fell hard into the open boat; (NEW SENTENCE) we were drifting aimlessly in shark infested waters. My mind was going, that was the moment (DELETE PREVIOUS PHRASE.) I thought we were going to die. We had run out of food, water and fuel by the time ("BEFORE") we ("FINALLY")washed ashore.
This does not match you other description of the trip. Is this a work of fiction rather than being biographical?
Either way, you might want describe the other occupants of the boat.
I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.
1 answer