I want absolute, cosmic power. Can anyone point me in the direction of some useful resources?

6 ways:

1) Avoid becoming a teacher.

2) Watch "Pinky and the Brain." Form your own plan to take over the world.

3) Freeze yourself for several million years. Wake up when humanity figured out how to have it and take part.

4) Don't try to take over Russia. Napolean and Hitler tried it. Never worked out. Play Risk if you don't believe me. And thanks to comedian Eddie Izzard for that tip. I will remember it in my conquest for world domination.

5) Drink milk! Lots of it.

6) Think of a funnier list than what I posted.