For the first paragraph, I thought about using the one I sumbitted or a slightly revised one below. Which do you think best suitable?
Other paragraph: "Freedom has always been one of my favorite things about summer. For ten weeks, I am free of schoolwork, poor grades, and disappointment. Thus, the amount of my stress is lessened. I am protected from the pressure of incomplete schoolwork. I am shielded from the worry of disappointing grades and shoddy assignments. Most of all, however, this sensation of freedom allows me to relax, to have fun. Thus, freedom from the stress factors of everyday life is not only a joy but a relief, if only for a short time."
I tried to eliminate as much wordiness as I could.
What final revisions do you suggest?
"Freedom has always been one of my favorite things about summer. For ten weeks, I am free of schoolwork, poor grades, and disappointment. Thus, my freedom in the summer lessens stress. It protects me from the pressure of incomplete schoolwork. It shields me from the worry of disappointing grades and shoddy assignments. Most of all, however, this sensation of freedom allows me to relax, to have fun. Thus, freedom from the stress factors of everyday life is not only a joy but a relief, if only for a short time.
Another one of my favorite things about summer is leisure. Like freedom, leisure time relieves me of stress. However, it also enables me to spend time with my family, to take part in outdoor activities such as hiking and swimming. It enables me to have fun and make memories without the worry of schoolwork. Furthermore, this spare time puts everything into perspective, making me realize what’s truly important: spending time with family, making memories, and living life.
Although I’ve cherished my summer vacations, I’ve missed some things about school during this time. Learning, for example, is one of them. Because I often crave knowledge, I take pleasure in learning about new things taught in school. For instance, I enjoy learning of different means to improve my writing from my teacher, Mrs. Pfiefer. I like reading inspiring novels with important life lessons within them. However, once the school year begins, it’s not long afterward that I yearn for the summer again."
4 answers
I see no appreciable improvement from yesterday or the day before or whatever.
Just turn it in and see what your teacher says.
=(
Just turn it in and see what your teacher says.
=(
I'm sorry for bothering you, but I simply do not understand what I'm doing wrong!
I don't know if what you wrote has been accepted by your teacher or if you got a good grade or not.
Here's how I would have cut all this down:
Freedom has always been one of my favorite things about summer. For ten weeks, I am free of schoolwork, poor grades, and disappointment. This time of freedom allows me to relax and have fun. Freedom from the stress of everyday life during the school year is not only a joy but a relief, if only for a short time.
Leisure is also one of my favorite things about summer. I am able to spend time with my family and take part in outdoor activities such as hiking and swimming. Leisure time puts everything into perspective, helping me realize what’s truly important: spending time with family, making memories, and living life.
Although I cherish summer vacation, I do miss some things about school. I like to learn new things, and I enjoy learning different ways to improve my writing. I like to read inspiring novels with important life lessons in them. However, once the school year begins, it’s not long before I yearn for the summer again.
I still think there are repetitious things in there, but most of the wordiness is gone.
Here's how I would have cut all this down:
Freedom has always been one of my favorite things about summer. For ten weeks, I am free of schoolwork, poor grades, and disappointment. This time of freedom allows me to relax and have fun. Freedom from the stress of everyday life during the school year is not only a joy but a relief, if only for a short time.
Leisure is also one of my favorite things about summer. I am able to spend time with my family and take part in outdoor activities such as hiking and swimming. Leisure time puts everything into perspective, helping me realize what’s truly important: spending time with family, making memories, and living life.
Although I cherish summer vacation, I do miss some things about school. I like to learn new things, and I enjoy learning different ways to improve my writing. I like to read inspiring novels with important life lessons in them. However, once the school year begins, it’s not long before I yearn for the summer again.
I still think there are repetitious things in there, but most of the wordiness is gone.
4 answers