I need to change my original paragraph, to improve it, by making these changes:

Question

It just restates the well dressed part. It does not develop it. how is he well dressed?

How does his clothing appear. Examples of clothing.

here's my original paragraph:

The way one person would imagine John E. Mackintosh to look is probably the same for another person since there is a set impression of him for almost everyone. In my opinion, he would always be extremely well dressed in the most excellent designer clothing. His outfits were all mostly the same consisting of a nice dress shirt and dress pants, with a heavy black coat on top. In one hand he would clutch his phone, and in the other a heavy, brown briefcase. His physical appearance would almost immediately let somebody know that he is a wealthy millionaire. Aside from his clothing, he would have on expensive accessories such as a big watch on his hand and shiny, black shoes. Not only the fact that he dressed in the finest apparel, it was his attitude, his formal and reserved approach that really showed what a big man he was.

is this better writeacher?

if anyone has any good ideas that'd be great
thanks guys

Writeacher · Answer

As you can see, "extremely well dressed" means different things to different people:
http://images.google.com/images?q=very%20well%20dressed%20man&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi

You need to be very specific.

You also need to clarify how being well dressed, owning a phone (a cell phone?), a briefcase, a bit watch, and wearing shiny, black shoes indicates that he is a wealthy businessman. Couldn't he have all those things and simply be in debt as he tries to make a certain impression? There are lots of businessmen (and women) out there who have no problem dressing the part, but who are not wealthy.

And by the way, you need to clarify what you mean by "wealthy."

So ... how can you tell who's wealthy? And how can you tell which of umpteen well dressed businessmen are wealthy?

Writeacher · Answer

...a big watch ... Sorry for the typo!!

y912f · Answer

The way one person would imagine John E. Mackintosh to look is probably the same for another person since there is a set impression of him for almost everyone. In my opinion, he would always be extremely well dressed in the most excellent designer clothing. His outfits were all mostly the same consisting of a nice dress shirt and dress pants, with a heavy black coat on top. In one hand he would clutch his phone, and in the other a heavy, brown briefcase. His physical appearance would almost immediately let somebody know that he is a wealthy millionaire. Aside from his clothing, he would have on expensive accessories such as a big watch on his hand and shiny, black shoes. Not only the fact that he dressed in the finest apparel, it was his attitude, his formal and reserved approach that really showed what a big man he was.

is this better writeacher?

Writeacher · Answer

"his phone" = ?
A Blackberry? An iPhone? What? My grandson (age 17 and definitely NOT wealthy) has a Blackberry and an iPod Touch. How will you indicate that his "phone" signals that he is wealthy?

What designer's clothing is he wearing? Name a very high-priced one.

"big watch" = ?
You need to name a brand -- the most expensive one you can find. Just "big" doesn't get the job done.

What attitude? Be specific. Use much more specific words. What does "big" mean? Get rid of the "deadwood" words and phrases and use better (more specific, more detailed) vocabulary.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/plague.htm

http://www.google.com/search?q=deadwood+phrases&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

y912f · Answer

this is getting really difficult..:(

y912f · Answer

i think i'll take a break and try again in a little bit. thanks for your help :)