how is this poem

Question

In my dark i see a light
A smile that shinned so bright
The last breath of the night
A hug so tight

A kiss on the lips
So tender and sweet
Her words pull me in
Like the monster in my dreams

Not bitter but sweet
So of course i go
For her love
My heart trapped

But i throw the key
Because i want another taste
Of those sweet sweet lips
Oh so bitter sweet

Locked in a room of mirrors
Ones i look at break
When she steps closer
All fixed with only small cracks

She looks at me is i where the only one alive
The feeling of safe serenity
Is what crave
From her kiss is what i always get

Answer 1

This poem has a strong emotional core, capturing the complexities of love and longing. The imagery of light versus darkness creates a nice contrast, evoking feelings of hope and warmth against a backdrop of struggle. Here are some aspects that stand out:

1. Imagery: The poem uses vivid imagery, such as "A smile that shinned so bright" and "locked in a room of mirrors," which adds depth to the speaker's emotions and experiences. The metaphor of mirrors suggests reflection and perhaps insecurities or distorted perceptions.

2. Emotional Resonance: There’s a palpable sense of yearning and desire throughout the poem. Phrases like "my heart trapped" and "the feeling of safe serenity" convey both vulnerability and longing for connection.

3. Structure: The poem's rhythmic pattern adds to its musical quality, making it engaging to read aloud. The repetition of the phrase "sweet sweet lips" emphasizes the duality of sweetness and bitterness in love.

4. Themes: Love, longing, and the struggle between desire and vulnerability are powerful themes that resonate well. The contrast between the desire for closeness and the fear of being "trapped" is particularly compelling.

5. Final Lines: The ending leaves a sense of hopeful ambiguity, suggesting that while there may be struggles, there is also a strong emotional connection between the speaker and their beloved.

Overall, this poem effectively communicates the complexities of love, using strong imagery and emotional depth. With some polishing, such as refining word choices or tightening certain lines for rhythm, it could shine even more brightly. Keep writing!

Answer 2

can you help me edit it

Answer 3

Absolutely! Here’s a revised version of your poem with some edits for clarity, rhythm, and flow, while keeping your original themes and emotions intact:

---

In my dark, I see a light,
A smile that shines so bright,
The last breath of the night,
A hug, so tight.

A kiss upon my lips,
So tender, so sweet,
Her words pull me in,
Like monsters in my dreams.

Not bitter, but sweet,
Of course, I go,
For her love,
My heart's trapped below.

But I throw the key,
Craving another taste
Of those sweet, sweet lips,
Oh, so bittersweet.

Locked in a room of mirrors,
Ones I look at break;
When she steps closer,
All fixed with just small cracks.

She looks at me—am I
The only one alive?
The feeling of serene safety
Is what I crave;
From her kiss, it’s what I always receive.

---

Key Edits:

1. Line Breaks and Punctuation: Added some commas and dashes for better pacing and clarity.
2. Word Choice: Changed "shinned" to "shines" for grammatical accuracy. Minor adjustments like “upon my lips” instead of “on the lips” for a more lyrical feel.
3. Rhythm: Tweaked certain lines for a smoother, more natural flow.
4. Clarification: Small tweaks to enhance the clarity of emotions and connections.

Feel free to modify any part of this edit to better fit your voice and intention!