I am uncertain what you want here with this writing.
comments:
a. It has a lot of grammatical errors
b. To me, it seems disjointed and lacks development of thought. I am unsure of even the basic storyline.
c. The closing seems far from connected to the first few paragraphs, you can do better than that.
When writing, one has to have a purpose: even stories have a purpose. For the life of me, I see no moral, no thread, nor development of a line of thought in the above.
HELP ME !!
I peeked inside the room holding my stuffed bunny "daddy?" he looked up wiping his tears then smiled bending down to my level "yes princess?" I smiled showing my missing two front teeth.
"Is mama okay?"
"of course she is, why do you ask?"
I frowned "because i heard you crying and yelling daddy."
He opened the bedroom door letting me in I ran to mama grabbing her hand. "mama?"
"look breyann, mama is going away for a while, okay?"
I looked her confused, what does she mean by going away for a while? I didn't understand at that time. I felt her hand touch my shoulder and she gave me a small smile.
"..I want you to successful in life, please don't disappoint mama do you understand?" her voice was weak and she kept coughing. "yes I understand" I stood on my tippy toes kissing her forehead as soon as I gave her a kiss, the line went flat and I felt her hand loosen in mine.
3 answers
And it's very clear, you have used some filthy words in there.
I hope you don't ever turn this in for a grade!!
I hope you don't ever turn this in for a grade!!
Sad story