What you have is ok under most circumstances. The molarity of the Zn ion and H ion usually are shown. Usually we write (g) after H2. Finally, usually we add a comma and Pt since H2 gas is non-conductive. If these were 1 M concentrations I would do it this way.
Zn|Zn^2+(1M)||H^+(1M)|H2(g),Pt
Given the balanced net ionic equation
Zn(s) + 2H^+(aq) <---> Zn^2+(aq) + H2(g) would the cell notation be:
Zn|Zn^2+||2H^+|H2
(i'm not sure if hydrogen gas should be in the cell notation)
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