There seem to be three topics in here ... related, but still three topics. I think a good strong thesis statement needs to be added -- or else #1 needs to be phrased more strongly.
Sentence 1 needs to be phrased more strongly.
Sentences 2 - 5 refer to one subtopic.
Sentences 6 - 7 refer to another subtopic.
Sentences 8 - 9 refer to the third subtopic.
There is no conclusion or transition to the next paragraph.
In addition, sentence 8 is phrased very badly!
"Due to" -- Start the sentence with "Because of" and that phrase will be smoother.
There is no antecedent for "it."
The antecedent for "them" seems to be "chips," but then implies that chips can actually do the human action of "save"!!
This is a sloppy, lazy sentence!
And yes -- 3 quotations in one paragraph? And not one quotation is FOLLOWED by any explanation.
Can someone help me edit & revise this ex. paragraph. The directions were to revise & edit & identify strengths & weaknesses about this person and what this person included in their body paragraph. I could find very few mistakes but the major is including 3 QUOTES in 1 BODY PARAGRAPH. What else is wrong with this paragraph.
To make it easier I will number each sentence.
1.) Conveniences are provided for people with the use of identification chips.
2.) WIth identification chips, people can easily identify which person is who.
3.)Since this action can be automatic, it will allow people to save time.
4.)QUOTE> "Before, everything was done manually, the school's director Gary Stillan told.
5.) QUOTE> "Now it's automatic, and it saves us a lot of time" (Source A).
6.) The identification chips can also allow people to track down lost items or people.
7.) QUOTE> " Parents could use [the SafeTzone Locator, a watch-size tracker] to find their kids on an electronic map" (Source A).
8.) Due to the smallness of the chips, it allows them to save space and storage.
9.) QUOTE> "The Japanese company sent out a vial containing perhaps a hundred of [identification chips]. At first glance the vial looked empty, only on closer inspection was it apparent the chips were in there, off to one side, black and minute" (Source A).
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