http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1320430388
I don't see corrections made.
Background-
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
THIS IS WHAT I HAVE PREPARED-
PLEASE LET ME KNOW MY MISTAKES.
I am applying for Medical Administrative Assistant career opportunity posted on your
Website for one of your Kaiser Location. This position is responsible for performing
full range of medical administration duties. The Health Care industry has always been a
dream of mine to pursue , however my passion for medical administrative assistant arose due to my personal experiences while doing volunteer in Sutter Hospital , where I had assisted medical administration department by performing various duties such as : Provide efficient and friendly customer service when making appointments in person and over the telephone, Update patient’s information in excel sheet, maintain and arrange files , print photocopy and fax reports , assisted visitors and patients by greeting them in a warm and friendly manner and directing them to relevant waiting areas . Things that grew more enthusiasm in me to choose this field was meeting new people every day, maintaining the confidentiality of patient’s details, helping others daily and getting to know about how the medical administration process works , all this experiences grew more enthusiasm in me. Since past year I’ve been a stay-at-home mother and now I’m seeking a new opportunity for advancement and to ensure a stable future for myself and my family , therefore with my excellent experience while volunteering medical administration department and by successfully completing Diploma in Medical Administrative Assistant , where I gained knowledge about medical laws, confidentiality, proficiency in computers, excellent communication , administrative procedures and therefore , this is the kind of job I would really love to participate every morning. As a Medical Administrative Assistant within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team by serving your patients and the company in a timely manner
5 answers
I've found so many glaring errors in the four sentences, that I can't continue. It's obvious to me that you haven't read this aloud, nor have you proofread it.
" Medical Administrative Assistant career opportunity "
the medical administrative assistant position
" one of your Kaiser Location"
one of your Kaiser locations
"This position is responsible for performing full range of medical administration duties."
Is the position responsible -- or is a person who holds this position responsible?
. . . performing a full range
" Medical Administrative Assistant career opportunity "
the medical administrative assistant position
" one of your Kaiser Location"
one of your Kaiser locations
"This position is responsible for performing full range of medical administration duties."
Is the position responsible -- or is a person who holds this position responsible?
. . . performing a full range
i had no one with me to read aloud so i read on my own and not being so good in english i was not able to make out the mistakes i am sorry for that .
this is the revised one and i have used bullets in this can you also tell me if i should use that or not ? let me know my other mistakes too plz
I am applying for the medical administrative assistant position posted on your website for one of your Kaiser locations. The person holding this position will be responsible for performing full range of medical administration duties. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however my passion for medical administrative assistant arose due to my personal experiences while doing volunteer in Sutter Hospital, where I had assisted medical administration department by performing various duties such as:
• Provide efficient and friendly customer service when making appointments in person and over the telephone.
• Update patient’s information in excel sheet, maintain and arrange files.
• Print photocopy and fax reports.
• Assisted visitors and patients by greeting them in a warm and friendly manner and directing them to relevant waiting areas.
Things that grew more enthusiasm in me to choose this field was meeting new people every day, maintaining the confidentiality of patient’s details, helping others daily and getting to know about how the medical administration process works , all this experiences grew more enthusiasm in me. Since past year I’ve been a stay-at-home mother and now I’m seeking a new opportunity for advancement and to ensure a stable future for myself and my family , therefore with my excellent experience while volunteering medical administration department and by successfully completing Diploma in Medical Administrative Assistant , where I gained knowledge about medical laws, confidentiality, proficiency in computers, excellent communication , administrative procedures and therefore , this is the kind of job I would love to participate every morning. As a Medical Administrative Assistant within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team by serving your patients and the company in a timely manner.
this is the revised one and i have used bullets in this can you also tell me if i should use that or not ? let me know my other mistakes too plz
I am applying for the medical administrative assistant position posted on your website for one of your Kaiser locations. The person holding this position will be responsible for performing full range of medical administration duties. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however my passion for medical administrative assistant arose due to my personal experiences while doing volunteer in Sutter Hospital, where I had assisted medical administration department by performing various duties such as:
• Provide efficient and friendly customer service when making appointments in person and over the telephone.
• Update patient’s information in excel sheet, maintain and arrange files.
• Print photocopy and fax reports.
• Assisted visitors and patients by greeting them in a warm and friendly manner and directing them to relevant waiting areas.
Things that grew more enthusiasm in me to choose this field was meeting new people every day, maintaining the confidentiality of patient’s details, helping others daily and getting to know about how the medical administration process works , all this experiences grew more enthusiasm in me. Since past year I’ve been a stay-at-home mother and now I’m seeking a new opportunity for advancement and to ensure a stable future for myself and my family , therefore with my excellent experience while volunteering medical administration department and by successfully completing Diploma in Medical Administrative Assistant , where I gained knowledge about medical laws, confidentiality, proficiency in computers, excellent communication , administrative procedures and therefore , this is the kind of job I would love to participate every morning. As a Medical Administrative Assistant within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team by serving your patients and the company in a timely manner.
Here are my comments:
What is the purpose of this sentence?
<<The person holding this position will be responsible for performing full range of medical administration duties.>>
Don't say it is a dream to pursue...say it is my goal to ...
delete "excellent" in the next sentence. They will evaluate if it was excellent or not.
as a volunteer (what) at Sutter Hospital? What was you job as a volunteer?
This is the kind of job for which I have prepared. Don't say love to participate each morning. They don't want participants, they want dedicated workers.
Delete the final "in a timely manner".
What is the purpose of this sentence?
<<The person holding this position will be responsible for performing full range of medical administration duties.>>
Don't say it is a dream to pursue...say it is my goal to ...
delete "excellent" in the next sentence. They will evaluate if it was excellent or not.
as a volunteer (what) at Sutter Hospital? What was you job as a volunteer?
This is the kind of job for which I have prepared. Don't say love to participate each morning. They don't want participants, they want dedicated workers.
Delete the final "in a timely manner".
thank you so much
11 answers