Background

Question

You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for which you might want to apply
at a particular business or organization in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your paragraph and enable you
to write a polished paragraph.


HERE IS MY CORRECTED PARAGRAPH, MY THREAD SEEMED TO STAY ON PG 4 SO I OPTED TO PUT IT UP AGAIN LIKE THIS :

In response to your job listing in my local newspaper, I understand you are seeking a Medical Administrative Assistant, to work in Fletcher Allen Hospital located in Burlington, Vermont. I understand in this required position, you must have the ability to answer incoming calls, schedule appointments, check the patients in and out, as well as chart preparations and obtaining insurance information. A few years ago, my mother was rushed to the hospital with a severe headache and numbness above her right eye. It turned out to be a brain aneurysm, and required immediate surgery. Mrs. Peterson, the medical administrative assistant who checked my mother in, was quick to recognize her symptoms and ensure she got immediate care. Mrs. Peterson is who inspired me to enter into this field of work, because of her hard work and caring nature for each patient. She has made me want to work hard and assist patients with their medical issues to ensure their process runs efficiently and smoothly. I believe I am qualified for this position because I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting patients, and the ability to work well under pressure and in a team oriented environment. Fletcher Allen and the strong alliance to the University of Vermont shows the amount of teamwork needed in a medical facility, and is why I have chosen to pursue my career at your hospital.

Answer 1

OK, let's first look at the directions:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with you
~~a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills. The paragraph must
~~describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied. Your audience is your potential employer and
~~your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why.
~~In addition, you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.

(Since the directions don't say you need to state the job description and list of duties, I've omitted it below.)

-----------------------
According to the job listing in The Daily News, I understand you are seeking a Medical Administrative Assistant to work in Fletcher Allen Hospital in Burlington, Vermont. This position seems to be made for me! I have been working toward a job like this, ever since my mother was rushed to the hospital a few years ago with a severe headache and numbness above her right eye. It turned out to be a brain aneurysm, and required immediate surgery. Mrs. Peterson, the medical administrative assistant who checked my mother in, was quick to recognize her symptoms and ensure she got immediate care. Because of her quick knowledge, hard work, and caring nature for each patient, Mrs. Peterson is the lady who inspired me to enter this field for a career. She has made me want to work hard and assist patients with their medical issues to ensure their process runs efficiently and smoothly. I believe I am qualified for this position because I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting patients, and the ability to work well under pressure and in a team-oriented environment. Fletcher Allen and its strong alliance to the University of Vermont demonstrate the amount and quality of teamwork needed in a medical facility. All this is why I would like to pursue my career at your hospital.

Answer 2

Your right , I just assumed it needed the description.

I know I have to revise now for proper use of comma's and such . Is the use for a semi colon even needed in there as well?

I also have to have 8-12 sentences in the paragraph so is the 9 I have enough?

I can't submit this one yet due to needing to write paragraph 2 but is it safe to say this one matches the requirements. I've been getting very high marks and I'm paranoid at submitting because I want to do the best I possibly can.

My last question is should I write located in Burlington, Vermont or just leave it as in Burlington, Vermont.

Thanks so much!