Strong conclusion.
The tone I would not put in a college admission essay, as they are looking for folks who want to contribute to society, not benefit themselves. But for a SAT essay, the tone is ok, readers will accept it.
A few structural errors, but for a first draft, they are largely ignored.
The weakest link to me in the essay is that one has control over destiny, which, is a very shaky proposition.
I mark it a 5.
Assignment: Should we wait for good things to come, or is destiny not something we can wait for? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Romeo and Juliet are the infamous star crossed(in quotations) lovers. Destined to not be together, they both die in each others arms. Destiny has played a role in many plays and pieces of literature acting as the unseen reason behind everything. I stand to believe that destiny is not something to wait for, but in fact it is what you want it to be by means of hard work and perseverance. This can be seen through the experiences of Michael Phelps in Olympic swimming and through my own experiences in the high school admissions process.
Michael Phelps did not wait for destiny to come knocking on his door, he created his success for himself. At the 2004 Olympics in Athens, Phelps was ready to break the record of seven gold medals in a single Olympics. He came up short, but he put this blame on himself, not destiny. During the four years between Olympic, Phelps worked harder than ever with the tenacious mindset to achieve his goal. At the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Phelps' work, practice and perseverance paid off with a record eight gold medals. It was not destiny that brought Phelps success, it was his effort.
Though I may not have worked at levels to match Phelps' efforts, I know that I did not wait for anything, much less destiny, to achieve my goal. Having studied for months to take an admissions test for Hunter high School, I was determined to be accepted. The essay never made it past the final stage. Rejected but undeterred, I continued my efforts in an attempt to get into the second school of my choice, Stuyvesant. I reaped my efforts after finding out that I had in fact been accepted. Elated and joyous, I realized that i was not destiny that had handed me success, it was I who had brought this upon myself.
I am not willing to risk my precious time in hopes that an imaginary force will bring me good fortunes; I intend on using that time to fulfill my goals myself. I hold control over my choices, and I will use that to the fullest advantage. Hard work and determination will always supersede the chance and luck that destiny brings.
2 answers
Thank you!!!