assignment:are people's lives the result of the choices they make?
In today¡¯s society, many people believe that circumstance determines their lives. They often blame their failure to the environments instead of themselves. As far as I am concerned, lives are the results of the choices we make. Indeed, circumstance, to certain degree, exerts influence on our lives, but what we choose determines our future lives.
My cousin has dreamt of being a dance since she was a child. But her dream was strongly opposed by her family simply because dancing could not give her a promising future. Dances in our country don¡¯t receive stable income and some of them lead misery lives. Though my cousin insisted on her dream at first, she finally gave in to he family and chose to enter university. But she told me that she didn¡¯t feel happy in university and regretted that she gave up he dream despite the bright future she would have. The unhappy life of my cousin, undoubtedly, results from her choice to abandon her dream and give in to family as well as society. Had she persevered in her dream, she might have achieved her goal and lived a more colorful life than she does now.
My fiend, Hamasaki, is born in poverty. Both his parents earn little money that can just support daily expense of his family. It is impossible for his poor family to afford the tuition of university. But Hamasaki never abandoned his dream to study in university and to be a doctor just because of his economic condition. On the contrary, he strove to learn all subjects well in order to be admitted by a wonderful university and do part-time job to supplement his family income. Finally, he succeeded. He was admitted by the best university of our country. Though it was extremely difficult for him to study and work at the same time, he was determined to realize his dream. There is no doubt that circumstance adversely affects Hamasaki¡¯s life and prevents him from success, but he was able to lead meaningful life that he wanted by choosing to persevere. His beautiful life today is certainly decided by his option.
The two examples above demonstrate that it is our choices rather than circumstance that determine our lives. Circumstance can affect what we choose. But what decide our lives is the choice we make whether to give in to circumstance.
3 answers
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/11/09/how-your-sat-essay-is-scored/
and
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/12/04/sat-essay-rubric/
I would give your paper a weak 5. The organization is quite good, especially because you set it up as a contrast paper. Excellent. Be careful of some spelling, though -- especially with the words that are at the center of one of your arguments: "dancer" and "dancers" particularly! There are a few wording issues, but they're minor. There are more issues regarding verb tenses.
I realize that English may not be your first language, and that maybe a factor. There are several grammar mistakes in word choice probably related to that. Far more troublesome is that sentences are wordy. Sometimes, when one is writing in an uncomfortable language, one tries to compensate by using a number of words and expressions to ensure understanding. If I were you, I would shorten sentences.
Here are some examples:
<<But Hamasaki never abandoned his dream to study in university and to be a doctor just because of his economic condition. On the contrary, he strove to learn all subjects well in order to be admitted by a wonderful university and do part-time job to supplement his family income.>>
Compare to this:
Hamasaki never gave up his dream to study medicine. True, family economics were discouraging towards that goal. He continued to work and study hard to gain admittance, then work part-time to supplement family support.
Lastly, the opening sentence is a very general statement. You don't want to make a generalization as opening, it makes the reader want to pick at your work. Open like this: Do circumstances determine peoples lives?
A question or short statement piques the readers interest to answer the statement.
You conclusion is good.
1 answer