Some of your assertions are made without supporting fact, in truth, some of them are quite astonishing. Example..
Second paragraph, last sentence
last paragraph....continue exponentially? better condition than ever?
There are structural and gramatical issues, but in a SAT essay, these do not weigh heavily (first draft mentality).
Biggest issue is your logic, the Genome argument, and the final paragraph logic and assertions are without foundation.
Frankly, your words are full of fury, but in substance, and logic, it lacks.
Rating: 4
How can you improve? Did you outline this before writing?
A society composed of men and women who are not bound by convention—in other words, they do not act according to what others say or do—is far more lively than one in which all people behave alike. When each person's character is developed individually and differences of opinion are acceptable, it is beneficial to interact with new people because they are not mere replicas of those whom one has already met.
Adapted from Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness
Assignment:
Is it better for a society when people act as individuals rather than copying the ideas and opinions of others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
As the 2008 US Presidential election reaches its prime, the US population is witnessing the respective Democratic and Republican candidates battle it out to achieve the coveted seat in the Oval Office. The clash of ideas and ideals are an intrinsic part to this election; there would be no way to decide who should win if everyone conformed to one opinion. I personally believe that acting upon individual ideas are necessary; this can be seen in the race to decode the human genome, and George Orwell's 1984 (underlined).
In 1999, back when DNA became one of the hottest issues of the day, two companies undertook a daunting mission they decided to decode the entire human genome. Though the mission of The Human Genome Project and Celera Genomics was the same, their opinions of the methods to be used were radically different. This dissent of opinion brought about fierce competition between the two companies. Had they decided to copy each other, the progress achieved by finding new methods and achieving the actual goal would have never been attained.
In Orwell's 1984 (underlined), no matter how different two people's DNA are, they are both servants to the government known as Big Brother. Winston Smith is like everyone except for one attribute, his ability to dissent from the rest. Instead of conforming to his government's desires, Winston rebels in his own fashion by breaking rules and plotting to over throw Big Brother. IN doing so, he achieves mental freedom. Though this doesn't impact society as a whole, his decision to choose his individual ideals for a brief glance of freedom over a chance to live his natural life represents a brief flash of revolutionary progress.
As humans have sophisticated through the generations, it has become evident that dissent and conflict have driven us to the successes in this day and age. As we continue to share individual effort, progress will continue exponentially and leave the human race in better condition than ever.
2 answers
I agree with Bobpursley's critique.