A new state, a new home, and a new life, this is what I call a fresh start. I was born in Mobile, Alabama, a mid-sized city located on the Gulf Coast with many beaches. Mobile is a place of pure Southern charm, our food, culture, and traditions! Growing up in Mobile for 12 years and then moving to a new state that is completely different is a good way to have a fresh start in life. About 2-3 months before we moved, my mother asked me about the state of Colorado, and I responded by saying “I never really thought about it” After she said, “Well we will be moving there soon because your dad has a job opportunity!”. At this moment, I felt a variety of emotions, a feeling of happiness, excitement, and a small sense of sadness since I knew I was leaving behind my friends and family.

Question

On November 23rd, 2022, my family of 6 started our journey from Mobile, Alabama to Fort Morgan, Colorado. We woke up on a bright and early morning in the hotel we were staying at for the night with our bags packed in the car. The entire morning, all I thought about was that this was the last time I would be in my hometown for a while. We made a stop at my grandmother's house to say our goodbyes before getting on the road. After our stop, we were headed on the road to Fort Morgan, Colorado! The first state we crossed was Mississippi. This was my least favorite state to be in while on this trip. When we were driving through Missipi all I could notice was the dark sky, grass, and a single road for miles as it was raining which gave me a sensation I didn’t like. Another part of Missipi that I and my family weren't very fond of was crossing the Vicksburg Bridge. While we crossed the bridge it was dark and rainy outside which gave all of us such an eerie and unsettling feeling, especially my mother. After leaving Mississippi we were in Arkansas, which I don’t remember except when we stopped at a gas station in Little Rock and noticed how the air was much drier. After we drove through Arkansas we are now in the state that was my favorite, Oklahoma! While driving through Oklahoma I remember us driving through this area with houses and surrounded by water with a beautiful sky full of oranges, pinks, and blues! As we drove through Oklahoma and made our way towards Kansas we started noticing us gradually going up in elevation and the dryness of the air increasing. While driving through Kansas there were countless amounts of windmills and the road was surrounded by green grass for a while. When we arrived in Colorado I noticed how different it was from Alabama in several ways! The look of the land in Colorado was full of color, the different cultures and diversity, and more food places to choose from! At the start, I was worried I would like Colorado as much as Alabama, but it turns out I like it more!

How can i improve and add more to this narrative essay

Answer 1

Your narrative essay beautifully conveys your feelings and experiences during your journey from Mobile, Alabama, to Fort Morgan, Colorado. To enhance and further develop your essay, you might consider the following suggestions:

1. Add Descriptive Details:

• Visual Imagery: Incorporate more vivid descriptions of the locations you passed through. Describe the landscapes, the architecture, and anything else that caught your eye. For instance:

  • "The rolling hills in Oklahoma seemed to dance with the wind, their grass swaying rhythmically as if welcoming us to a new chapter."

• Sensory Experiences: Use sensory language to convey how you felt in different locations. Describe the scents, sounds, and textures. For instance:

  • "The moment we arrived in Colorado, a crispness in the air invigorated me, and the scent of pine trees was a sharp contrast to the warm, salty air of Mobile's beaches."

2. Expand on Emotions:

• Internal Conflict: Go deeper into the emotional aspect of leaving Alabama. Talk about specific memories or instances that made leaving difficult.
  • "I could still hear the laughter of my friends resonating from our favorite hangout spot, reminding me of all the carefree moments I was now leaving behind."
• Reflections on Change: Reflect on how the move compares emotionally and culturally, not just physically. Highlight what you found challenging and what excited you about the change.

3. Character Development:

• Family Dynamics: Include more about your family’s reactions during the move. Each family member might have had different feelings and responses that could add depth to your narrative.
  • "My younger brother was busy chattering about his new school, oblivious to the bittersweet heaviness in the air, while my sister, usually full of energy, stared out the window with a thoughtful expression."

4. Include Anecdotes:

• Short Stories: Consider inserting small anecdotes or humorous moments that happened during the trip. Did anything unexpected occur?
  • "As we navigated through a maze of construction in Little Rock, we found ourselves lost, leading to an impromptu karaoke session in the car to lighten the mood."

5. Cultural Observations:

• Differences and Similarities: Discuss more about the cultural differences you noticed between Alabama and Colorado. This could involve food, community events, or the general vibe of the two places.
  • "In Colorado, I was fascinated by the farmers' markets brimming with fresh produce, a stark contrast to the seafood festivals I grew up attending in Mobile."

6. Conclusion:

• Reflective Ending: Consider ending with a reflective thought or insight you've gained from this experience. This would give your essay a sense of closure and depth.
  • "Though I left behind the familiarity of Mobile, I discovered a world of new experiences awaiting me, teaching me that sometimes, fresh starts can lead to even greater adventures."

7. Proofreading and Editing:

• Grammar and Clarity: Review your essay for any grammatical errors, awkward phrasings, or unclear sentences. Clarity is key.
• Organization: Ensure your narrative flows smoothly. Transitional phrases can help guide the reader from one section to the next.

By incorporating these elements, you can create a richer and more engaging narrative that fully conveys your journey and the personal growth that came from it. Good luck!