I'd use —
On the horizon …
Across the moon …
"A blessed song for the eye" seems out of place — it's noticeably shorter than the other lines and breaks the rhythm.
"with the shimmery stars gently" seems odd. Do you mean "shimmering"? And "gently" would read/sound better if it were placed right after the verb.
Overall, this is very nice. =)
"A Gentle Night" - Written by Snowflake
In the horizon, the silver moon begins to rise.
Many think the night is full of darkness and demise.
But this night was so tender and of peace.
In the moon was a silhouette of graceful flying geese.
The dark sky was speckled with beaming stars,
Shining brighter than a thousand gold bars.
Serene and gentle like a mother's lullaby,
A blessed song for the eye.
The cool air dances with the shimmery stars gently,
The snowy moon smiles and watches the rest of the night intently.
Is the flying geese part weird?
5 answers
Thank you! This is very helpful. :)
-But you didn't address the geese part? Is it weird to put it there?
The line with "geese" is fine where it is.
Okay, thanks.
6 answers