Hi we're practicing writing news obituaries.. This is my lead.. Can you tell me if it's ok or needs work?
John Hoyer Jr., Cook County Board’s first black president, died Friday of complications from debilitating stroke suffered nearly two years earlier. He was 78.
5 answers
Check your style manual or editor to see if it's acceptable to use "black" to refer to an African-American. I'd also omit the word "debilitating."
OK I made the changes.. I think African-American would be safest.
Can you proofread these other pieces as well?
(1)Hoyer moved to Chicago in 1953, joining the 3rd Ward organization of Ralph Metcalfe, the Democratic committeeman and future congressman. With the support of then Mayor Richard J. Daley, Hoyer was named Democratic committeeman of the 8th Ward in 1968 and elected to the County Board two years later with the support of Mayor Richard J. Daley. He became board president in 1994.
(2)Hoyer went on to win re-election as board president in 1998 and 2002. During his tenure as president, he was credited with championed health services for the poor provided by county government. He also expanded the county’s healthy system, including the construction of a new county hospital named after him: John Hoyer Hospital.
Can you proofread these other pieces as well?
(1)Hoyer moved to Chicago in 1953, joining the 3rd Ward organization of Ralph Metcalfe, the Democratic committeeman and future congressman. With the support of then Mayor Richard J. Daley, Hoyer was named Democratic committeeman of the 8th Ward in 1968 and elected to the County Board two years later with the support of Mayor Richard J. Daley. He became board president in 1994.
(2)Hoyer went on to win re-election as board president in 1998 and 2002. During his tenure as president, he was credited with championed health services for the poor provided by county government. He also expanded the county’s healthy system, including the construction of a new county hospital named after him: John Hoyer Hospital.
2) championing (not championed)
Oops -- there's a misplaced modifier in that sentence. Reword it to make it clearer.
The rest is good.
Oops -- there's a misplaced modifier in that sentence. Reword it to make it clearer.
The rest is good.
Hoyer went on to win re-election as board president in 1998 and 2002. During his tenure as president, Hoyer was credited with championing health services for the poor provided by county government. He also expanded the county’s healthy system, including the construction of a new county hospital named after him: John Hoyer Hospital.
Adding Hoyer?
Adding Hoyer?
It's a little unclear whether the poor were provided by the county or whether the services were provided by the county.
How about?
. . . Hoyer was credited with championing county health services for the poor.
How about?
. . . Hoyer was credited with championing county health services for the poor.
1 answer