Dear Mrs. Beverly Trudall (Human Resources Manager):
I understand that you are seeking to hire a Billing Specialist at one of your Monroe Medical Center locations. I am most drawn to applying for this position with your office because of the working hours, salary, and medical benefits package. The office hours are excellent, Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m., and one Saturday a month from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. The salary package is quite appealing at $12.50 an hour with an exceptional medical benefits package.
Furthermore, I became inspired to work in the Medical Billing field because of a close family member. My mother-in-law was a very encouraging and influential person in my life. She used to say, "Through hard work and determination, you can achieve your goals." She was a Billing Specialist and later advanced to Billing Director, then worked from home until the age of seventy-two. I saw how much she loved her job, and it has inspired me to do the same.
I have now completed my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania, where I accomplished courses in Office Procedures, Medical Terminology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Body Systems. With the education I have obtained and eagerness to enter this profession, I know that I can be a significant part of the Monroe Medical Center team.
Sincerely,
Darlene Hall
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Mistakes found:
1. In the sentence "I am most drawn in applying for this position with your office because of the working hours, salary, and medical benefits package," the correct phrase should be "I am most drawn to applying for this position."
2. In the sentence "The office hours are excellent, Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. and one Saturday a month 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.," it should be "Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m." and "one Saturday a month from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m." for clarity and consistency.
3. In the sentence "The salary package is quite appealing at $12.50 an hour with an exceptional medical benefits package," there should be a comma after "hour" for proper punctuation.
4. In the sentence "Furthermore, I became inspired to work in the Medical Billing field because of a close family member," it should be "Moreover" instead of "Furthermore" for better transition and coherence.
5. In the sentence "My Mother-in-law was a very encouraging and influential person in my life," "Mother-in-law" should be capitalized.
6. In the sentence "She was a Billing Specialist and later advanced to Billing Director, then worked from home until the age of seventy-two," there should be a comma after "Billing Director" for proper punctuation.
7. In the sentence "With the education I have obtained, and eagerness to enter this profession," there should be a comma after "obtained" for proper punctuation.
8. In the sentence "I know that I can be a significant part of the Monroe Medical Center team," there should be a comma after "know" for proper punctuation.
Suggestions:
1. Consider adding an introductory sentence or paragraph to provide more context or background information about the job application.
2. Use a more formal tone throughout the paragraph to align with the purpose of the assignment.
3. Utilize transitional phrases or words to improve the flow and coherence of ideas.
I hope these suggestions help!