First of all, make sure you have addressed every one of the directions for this piece of writing.
The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied. Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.
Double-check what you wrote and make sure you have addressed ALL of these points I've put in bold above.
Please help! I have this assignment and really don’t know where to begin! Please let me know all my mistakes like grammar, spelling, punctuation, sentences and any other mistakes which you think I have made. Thank you all so very much in advance!!! I would really appreciate your help. This is the assignment:
Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
• Sufficient detail/support (30 points)
Each paragraph uses specific details, facts, and figures to support your controlling idea and the
purpose of the assignment. The description and analysis of the experience for Paragraph 1
clearly show how and why you chose the area of employment and your excitement about that
field of study. Paragraph 2 contains enough proof to convince the cousin that she has the skills
and the job is beneficial for her.
• Unified, coherent development (20 points)
Each paragraph represents a unified whole and shows coherent development. It maintains a
single, organized focus without clutter. You show thoughtful use of appropriate transitions and
connective discussion to guide the reader and to maintain clear focus. Each sentence flows
logically and clearly to the next sentence.
• Clear topic sentence (10 points)
Each paragraph has only one strong topic sentence appropriate to the assignment and audience.
It’s the first sentence. Every other sentence in the paragraph develops/supports that topic sentence.
• Sentence structure (10 points)
Each sentence is correctly structured. Each paragraph effectively uses a variety of sentence
structures and length to achieve the purpose of the assignment. There are no run-on sentences
or fragments.
• Grammar, word usage, spelling, punctuation (20 points)
Each paragraph contains correct word usage as fits the audience, the purpose, and the
assignment, showing application of skills covered in all four study units.
Your essay is free of grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.
• Length and format (10 points)
Each paragraph uses the assigned heading and is double-spaced using Times New Roman, font
size 12. Each paragraph contains 8–12 sentences. You’ve included the required header information.
Paragraph 1
Dear Mrs. Beverly Trudall (Human Resources Manager):
I understand that you are seeking to hire a Billing Specialist at one of your Monroe Medical Center locations. I am most drawn in applying for this position with your office because of the working hours, salary, and medical benefits package. The office hours are excellent, Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. and one Saturday a month 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. The salary package is quite appealing at $12.50 an hour with an exceptional medical benefits package. Furthermore, I became inspired to work in the Medical Billing field because of a close family member. My Mother-in-law was a very encouraging and influential person in my life. She used to say, “Through hard work and determination you can achieve your goals.” She was a Billing Specialist and later advanced to Billing Director, then worked from home until the age of seventy-two. I saw how much she loved her job, and it has inspired me to do the same. I have now completed my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania in which I accomplished courses in Office Procedures, Medical Terminology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Body Systems. With the education I have obtained, and eagerness to enter this profession, I know that I can be a significant part of the Monroe Medical Center team.
Sincerely,
Darlene Hall
5 answers
PS -- Putting the following (in quotation marks) at the beginning of your letter will turn people off if they're looking for what INSPIRED you toward this CAREER, not just what made you apply for this job!!
Delete these sentences from your paragraph: "I am most drawn in applying for this position with your office because of the working hours, salary, and medical benefits package. The office hours are excellent, Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. and one Saturday a month 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. The salary package is quite appealing at $12.50 an hour with an exceptional medical benefits package."
Try again.
Delete these sentences from your paragraph: "I am most drawn in applying for this position with your office because of the working hours, salary, and medical benefits package. The office hours are excellent, Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. and one Saturday a month 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. The salary package is quite appealing at $12.50 an hour with an exceptional medical benefits package."
Try again.
The tone of your writing is somewhat submissive, in my opinion. I am not certain a medical office is looking in that in a person who is sending out bills to collect income.
I recommend more assertiveness. Why do you want this job? Why is is perfect for you (what do you expect to get out of it)? How will the employer benefit from you?
"Polished writing" includes using tone to make your point. I agree with Writeacher on the delete, than is just nonsense. Why would you tell the employer what his pay and hours are?
I am not certain your experience described with your mother-in-law qualifies as an experience that guided you to this field: surely you went to that particular field because of something else..what was it?
Good luck.
I recommend more assertiveness. Why do you want this job? Why is is perfect for you (what do you expect to get out of it)? How will the employer benefit from you?
"Polished writing" includes using tone to make your point. I agree with Writeacher on the delete, than is just nonsense. Why would you tell the employer what his pay and hours are?
I am not certain your experience described with your mother-in-law qualifies as an experience that guided you to this field: surely you went to that particular field because of something else..what was it?
Good luck.
Okay.. thanks so much to you all for your help. I will try again.
Please help! I have been working on this for two weeks! I have read the book several times. I need to turn this is soon. I took all of your suggestions into consideration and basicallly rewrote the entire paragraph. Please review again... thanks
Dear Mrs. Beverly Trudal:
I understand that you are seeking to hire a Billing Specialist at one of your Medical University of South Carolina locations. I was first inspired to gain the knowledge to enter the Medical Billing field because of a close family member. My Aunt was a Medical Billing Specialist. She told me a story about a patient that asked her for help. The woman had been trying for 2 years to get her husband an electric wheelchair through Medicare, and it was continuously denied. This particular patient had amputations of both legs. With the approval of the physician she worked for; he allowed her to proceed. She took pictures of this patient's legs and sent along a detailed medical report to Medicare. After 8 months of fighting with Medicare, the wheelchair was delivered and covered in full by Medicare. That is when I realized pursuing the medical billing field would give me the resources to help others. I am anxious to begin my new career, and MUSC is where I want to be, considering you have the latest advances in medicine, and world-class physicians. I believe that I have the qualifications needed to benefit your company. I have worked as an administrative assistant for ten years. Therefore, I have experience working independently, problem solving and paying strict attention to detail. I have now completed my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania in which I accomplished courses in Office Procedures, Medical Terminology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Body Systems. With the education I have obtained, and eagerness to enter this profession, I know that I can be a significant part of the MUSC team.
Sincerely,
Melissa D. Hall
Dear Mrs. Beverly Trudal:
I understand that you are seeking to hire a Billing Specialist at one of your Medical University of South Carolina locations. I was first inspired to gain the knowledge to enter the Medical Billing field because of a close family member. My Aunt was a Medical Billing Specialist. She told me a story about a patient that asked her for help. The woman had been trying for 2 years to get her husband an electric wheelchair through Medicare, and it was continuously denied. This particular patient had amputations of both legs. With the approval of the physician she worked for; he allowed her to proceed. She took pictures of this patient's legs and sent along a detailed medical report to Medicare. After 8 months of fighting with Medicare, the wheelchair was delivered and covered in full by Medicare. That is when I realized pursuing the medical billing field would give me the resources to help others. I am anxious to begin my new career, and MUSC is where I want to be, considering you have the latest advances in medicine, and world-class physicians. I believe that I have the qualifications needed to benefit your company. I have worked as an administrative assistant for ten years. Therefore, I have experience working independently, problem solving and paying strict attention to detail. I have now completed my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania in which I accomplished courses in Office Procedures, Medical Terminology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Body Systems. With the education I have obtained, and eagerness to enter this profession, I know that I can be a significant part of the MUSC team.
Sincerely,
Melissa D. Hall
15 answers