Your paragraph looks well-written and provides a clear description of your experience and how it inspired you to apply for the Accounting/Office Administration position. Here are a few suggestions to further improve your paragraph:
1. Use more specific and concrete language: Instead of saying "enjoyment of working with people," you can be more specific and mention your experience working closely with clients, colleagues, and managing a team.
2. Expand on the responsibilities and skills gained: While you have mentioned some of the duties as a salon manager, it would be beneficial to elaborate more on the skills you acquired, such as problem-solving, multitasking, and attention to detail. This will further emphasize your suitability for the Accounting/Office Administration position.
3. Connect the love for numbers and working with the public to the position: Explain how your experience managing payroll, handling financial responsibilities, and maintaining accurate records in the salon have prepared you for the demands of the Accounting/Office Administration position. You can also mention how the interaction with accountants and presenting weekly journals further fueled your interest in pursuing a career in the field.
4. Consider restructuring the paragraph: To improve the overall flow, you could rearrange some of the information. Start with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the position you are applying for and your reason for wanting to be hired, followed by a brief mention of your experience as a salon manager. Then, go into more detail about the skills and responsibilities, linking them to your motivation for the Accounting/Office Administration position.
Overall, your paragraph effectively shows your enthusiasm for the position and conveys your relevant experience. Just remember to be clear, specific, and concise while maintaining a formal tone. Good luck with your writing assignment!