I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!

Question

ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.

This is what I wrote

During my current career as Hairdresser ( for 28 years), I was deeply inspired by the salon accountant to pursue a career in Office Adminsitration. My employer promoted me to manager position of the salon, which in turn gave me duties that lead me to a turning point in my existing career. To ensure I was performing the manager duties respectfully, and accurately.The Salon accountant required me to present them with weekly journals , and meet with them periodically. After meeting with the accountants on several different occasions and providing them with the salon journals, they suggested I pursue a career in Office Administration to broaden my expertise . Salon Manager, respectfully, lead me to my career of Office Administration.

Answer 1

That's a good start. Don't change anything yet.

Go back over the directions and make sure you have addressed EVERYTHING there.

Let me know what you think.

Answer 2

Also remember that fully developed paragraphs should be 8-10 sentences long, and there should be NO fragments or run-ons.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/fragments.htm

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm

Answer 3

Writeacher i have added to the centre section of this paragraph, will repost when I get it typed up,